Beneath Loch Ness (2001)

Save your money for something good and enjoyable

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

It's a good bad... and worth a popcorn matinée. While it's easy to lament what could have been...

Blistering performances.

As a fan of monster movies I was keen to watch this . As a Scot I was enraged, horrified for all the wrong reasons and then laughed so much I didn't mind the time wasted watching ! It is worth watching this pile of poo just so that you know that you have probably seen the worst film ever. No matter how bad any bad films you might see in times to come you can take comfort in the fact that you have seen the worst So carry on with hope in your heart and don't look back. Keep this in your collection and remember things can only get better.Or watch with friends and have a dram every time you spot a mistake, terrible accent or bad acting. I would imagine by less than half way through all will be good .

As a fan of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," I have quite the tolerance of crappy cinema. Telefutura & THIS channel show 'em every night. But hard to believe, I stumbled upon "Beneath Loch Ness" on CW12 on a Saturday night. I didn't watch all of the film, but I did learn enough to say that this movie depicts Scotland as accurately as Sam Bacile depicted Islam in "Innocence of Muslims." But this ain't no movie worth dying for (literally) or sparking a worldwide protest. Just type a few reviews somewhere online outside IMDb.com w/ numerous obscenities (e.g. "'Beneath Loch Ness' %&~?ing sucks!!") as you would any other bad movie. But the fact that I discovered "Beneath Loch Ness" on The CW proves that it didn't get enough negative notoriety for audiences to hate it like some Razzie-winning films or anything from The IMDb Bottom 100. I did have the somewhat misfortune to watch it in English unlike most movies on Telefutura to learn that the Scots sounded a little too American. "Beneath Loch Ness" has stars (in name only) like Patrick Bergin, the villain in the Julia Roberts film "Sleeping with the Enemy" & Brian Wimmer, who I only recall in the TV series remake of "Flipper," also featuring a pre-famous Jessica Alba. The underwater depiction was flawed in the sense that the movement of objects was as swift as it would be on land, as in the scene where the divers find the pink eggs or something like that. Not only that, the explosion of the depth charges looked like explosions in the air. I've seen better underwater explosions on "Gorgo" (as seen on MST3K). But I can't finish this review w/o the most egregious flaw of location scouting. If you're gonna make a movie set in Scotland but can't actually be in Scotland, choose a similar location w/ mild, temperate climate. & there are many of 'em, like New Zealand or Nova Scotia ("New Scotland" in Latin). Or the other side of N. America - BC or WA; everybody makes movies there! But this Loch Ness was actually Castaic Lake in California. As a Californian who's traveled many times between Bakersfield & the L.A. metro area, I recognized the Mediterranean landscape w/o Googling it! Castaic Lake is the first exit on the I-5 south after passing through the mountains that leads to fast food restaurants & gas stations! Needles 2 say, "Beneath Loch Ness" is typical crappy movie-making from its bombastic CGI monster to cookie-cutter characters & plot. Watch only while channel surfing & if you have a high tolerance of stupid cinema.

I have seen many people on here already complain about the bad acting and weak story. To be honest with you people, everything on the cover warns you for this, the storyline described at the back, the pictures accompanying are just screaming B-film, heck even C-film. So you can expect a bad plot full of clichés, cheesy lines and rigid acting. These type of films are not suited to find continuity loopholes, since you'll find far too many, and you're deriving yourself the entire movie pleasure by analyzing it. So, why did I decided to rent this movie after all, even though it clearly tried to warn me for this? Because I thought it would be fun for a rainy Sunday afternoon, see some monster shots, get a scare or too by something leaping out of the water, and when it's over, just get on with your daily lives.However, despite me being ready to see a rather crappy movie, this one managed to disappoint me still. The monster isn't very well portrayed, you rarely see it well actually and because it's portrayed so horribly, it very rarely comes off scary. You also expect a water monster to leap out of the water very often, especially at Loch Ness, where the water is nearly black. The setting was excellent for getting a few scares from a huge beast leaping out of the darkness, but all in all, the monster jumps out of the water once or twice. Last of all, there is no excuse for casting something as ugly as Adria Dawn as a college girl in a movie where the actors themselves don't really matter.So, this movie seems like a total disaster, but why did I give it 3/10 instead of the 1 it deserves? Because I was prepared for such horrible acting, and it contains some delightful retardedness. Some insanely stupid things that probably came off cool to the director at first, but is perceived by the audience as plain painful to watch. A nice example would be the random extra plot in the middle of the movie. Two colleagues are having a (verbal) fight, and the woman yells "Is this because of the divorce?". This has nothing to do with the story, comes out of the blue, and hardly anything later on derives from this new fact. Somehow you gotta enjoy that. Another thing which gave me the laughs, althoughunintended to be funny I think, is when the local fool (who has seen Nessie before) decides to go after him. Now, what does he take with him? Huge bombs, some sort of bazooka, maybe even something that could shoot huge amounts of poison so the monster gets killed, all good guesses, but he decides to kill an immense monster with a harpoon. How will he survive you ask? Well, he has put the Braveheart face paint on of course. I can imagine not everybody enjoys these scenes and gets a laugh out of it, and most elite internet movie watchers will get angry over this, rather than amused. Another thing I liked, the team leader, Case, is such an arrogant ass in the movie, that you can only enjoy him, I do at least. A nice example of his arrogance is his reply to some Scottish fishermen in the middle of the night where he asks them "if the sheep have a headache", and of course the most cliché line for an arrogant bastard: "Who are you again?".IN CONCLUSION Do not rent this movie unless you: a) can enjoy a movie that's so incredibly bad it just makes you laugh at some times b) you have a 8-12 year old kid, and you want to show him a "scary movie" that won't really give him nightmares. Really, this movie is ideal for a little kid to watch and give him the feeling he's watching a scary monster movie, but not for the serious adult.

As a Scot, when I saw this film, I was left numbed at how shocking it was and I don't mean that in a good way. This 'film' (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word) is not only an insult to Scotland but it is embarrassing for the Hollywood producers and actors involved in this project.Aside from the fact the storyline dire and the acting utterly bland, the special effects look as if they were put together by three-year-olds on their nursery school computer . However, the most pathetic point about this film was the fact it clearly was not set anywhere remotely near the UK, let alone Loch Ness. It was bad enough that the cast were mainly Americans (or Americans with bad accents) but the cars drove on the wrong side of the road, the police wore American uniforms and little effort was made to even pretend the American location of this film was supposedly Scotland. Then you had the stereotypical Scots who graced the background every so often; I honestly was waiting for them to shout 'och, aye the noo' then do the Highland fling in their kilt with the haggis dancing by their sides.Take a leaf out of Nessie's book when it comes to 'Beneath Loch Ness' and hide far, far away from it (although Scots may want to see it with the view that it is pure comedy in a 'so bad it's good' way).