Princess of Mars (2009)

Excellent, a Must See

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

It is a whirlwind of delight --- attractive actors, stunning couture, spectacular sets and outrageous parties.

Amazing worth wacthing. So good. Biased but well made with many good points.

I can honestly say that this is the worst movie that I have ever had the misfortune to have watched.

Antonio Sabato, Jr. is possibly the worst actor of his generation. And his acting "skills" are put to good use in this terrible adaptation of the beloved Edgar Rice Burroughs novel, "A Princess of Mars." Obviously bad acting, with a cast of the worst Soap Opera actors and middle-age porn stars money can rent, special effects that were done on a TRS-80, and Martian masks that your 3rd grader made in art class.Yes, it's terrible. On the other hand, some people like terrible movies, and Asylum must be doing something right because they're still in business. My auntie thinks the Sharknado films are hilarious, and, if nothing else, their films do keep terrible actors like Sabato from turning to gay porn, and former porn actresses from ending up in legit movies. AND, I guess Asylum does give would-be directors a chance to recognize they're not cut out to direct, so there's that, too. So, if you have no expectations, and laughing along with terrible movies is your thing, who am I to discourage you?

This movie stumbles badly right away. There's no real need to update it, it works better if it isn't updated. But that's not the real failing. The scene where he is in the hospital being told by some mad scientists that he is being sent to Mars as some sort of science experiment was one of the most absurd that I have ever seen. It was unintentionally comic. Why in the world did they need to declare that Barsoom isn't Mars, but a planet in another solar system? Yes, we know that the real Mars isn't like the Mars that Burroughs imagined, that doesn't interfere with the story.There is a scene were he asks for something to drink, and he is given a rag full of sweat. Another scene where he asks for food, and he is given the excretion of some larva. Neither of these are in the book; they eat something that seems like cheese or tofu, and to drink, they drink the liquid of a cactus-like plant. Why they chose to make this change is beyond me. It seemed to be an attempt to disgust the audience, and didn't make the movie any better.A good Phantom Edit would cut out entirely the portion before he gets to Mars. A minute of two of narration at the beginning could replace the entire first part of the movie. It would also be necessary to snip out the part where you learn the bad guy is from Earth. You don't have to eliminate him entirely, just the nonsense of him being from Earth.I'd also delete the scenes where he is given sweat and larval excretions to drink.Other parts are more minor. Traci Lords is a bit too old, too clothed and too blonde to be a plausible Deja Thoris. She seems more a cranky sitcom mom than a princess of Helium. The tattoos on John Carter seem unlikely, a tramp stamp on a man? But these are minor, the major flaws of this movie are overwhelming, but if they were cut out, this would be, well, not a great movie, but not too bad.If you watch the movie, you see that throughout the movie, one of Tars Tarkas' tusks wobbles. A fairly minor thing, but it shows how quickly they made this movie was made.

Even Ed Wood would have thought this was a disastrous attempt at a movie. The continuity was appalling the story was terrible and the acting except Traci Lords (graduate of the Lee Strasberg studio) was cringe making. Traci Lords is an interesting case study. She is an example of a determined and complex woman with a very controversial background. Born and raised in Ohio as Nora Louise Kuzma, she moved with her divorced mother and three sisters to Los Angeles at age 12. She ran away from home and began nude modeling at age 15, then adult films a year later.An incredibly developed, full-figured girl, she easily duped photographers, producers and directors (with the help of a false birth certificate and driver's license). Her stage name is a combination of Traci, from a former school friend, and Lords, in honor of her favorite male actor, Jack Lord ("Hawaii Five-O" (1968)). She later owned a white Persian cat named Mr. Steve McGarrett, the name of the character Lord played on the show. Traci made somewhere between 80 and 100 X-rated movies (some consisted mostly of leftover footage from previous shoots) between 1984 and 1986.In May 1986 she was arrested by FBI agents when it was discovered she was underage, which meant that any films with her in them were illegal to rent or buy, and video stores around the country rushed to remove them. The only legal porn movie Traci made was Traci, I Love You (1987) (V), which was filmed in Paris, France, on her 18th birthday. Since she controlled distribution rights, many people believed she orchestrated the revelation herself so she could be the only one to profit from her X-rated career. Many within the adult film industry made a tacit agreement to never promote Traci or talk about her, as they felt she betrayed the industry that had had been the source of her fame in the first place. The federal government tried to prosecute the producers of the movie Those Young Girls (1984) (V), the first adult film Traci appeared in, for child pornography. However, the case fell apart when the government admitted that it, too, had been duped when Lords traveled to Europe to shoot Traci, I Love You (1987) (V) on a fake passport. After her exile from adult films, she began to resurrect her life and fulfill her lifelong ambition to star in "mainstream" films.In 1987 she enrolled in the Lee Strasberg acting school, began voice lessons and built on her natural acting talents. Her first mainstream "break" came in Not of This Earth (1988), a remake of the classic Roger Corman sci-fi film from the 1950s. It was the last time that Traci would bare her breasts for the camera. Rare footage of a scene where she exits a shower has been seen as an outtake--Traci walks out of the shower, warning the cameramen to get ready to get the best look they could at her naked body. She jokes while draping the towel around her waist, turning her exposed chest to the camera, and then covers up. Her roles in subsequent films would see her placed in situations where there was much more left to the imagination than could actually be seen on screen for a public that only a few years earlier had seen virtually every facet of this beautiful girl.Throughout the 1990s her hard work got her a reputation as a reliable and respected actress, in addition to being a singer and an advocate for gay rights. Her recurring role in early 1995 as a sneering sociopath, Rikki, on "Melrose Place" (1992) was critically acclaimed and landed her more roles in other movies, playing villains and psychotic characters. In the latter half of the 1990s she appeared in several B movies that went straight to video and/or cable in lead, minor or cameo roles. She even guest-starred in a number of TV shows ranging from "Married with Children" (1987), "Roseanne" (1988), "MacGyver" (1985) and "Nash Bridges" (1996).She has always despised being referred to as "an ex-porn star", and resents the fact that a celebrity like Tim Allen can be forgiven by Hollywood for past transgressions (he was convicted and served prison time selling drugs while he was in college) but she still to this day bears the stigma of her porn years. It's probably the fantasy of the underage girl who fooled an entire industry, and, at the height of her career, was unquestionably the most popular actress with fans and filmmakers alike.Some of her most notable TV work was as a regular on season 2 of "Profiler" (1996) from 1997 to 1998 in playing the schizo-sicko serial killer Sharon Lesher, as well as the tough heroine Jordan Radcliffe during the last season of the sci-fi series "First Wave" (1998) from 2000 to 2001. She most recently has written her autobiography, published in 2003, and even tried her hand in writing and directing a short film which would lead her to another career as a writer-director of independent films.