Scorchy (1976)

Surprisingly incoherent and boring

People are voting emotionally.

Absolutely Fantastic

Just intense enough to provide a much-needed diversion, just lightweight enough to make you forget about it soon after it’s over. It’s not exactly “good,” per se, but it does what it sets out to do in terms of putting us on edge, which makes it … successful?

As a first point, don't settle for the television edit of this film, which for many years was the only way to see it. Find the restored re-release version. Much of the fun was left out of the television edit, and can only be seen in the restoration.Although the film credits a police technical adviser, the script doesn't seem to have paid much attention to him. When plausibility comes into conflict with wild plot twists or spectacle, plausibility rarely wins. But the writer- director is considerably better as a director; the scenes flow well, and the action scenes are always either thrilling or hilariously over the top.The acting is a mix, and sometimes it's hard to tell a badly-acted scene with one where an actor couldn't overcome the writing. But when a scene is unconvincing, it's not bland, it's funny.A lot about the film is pretty weak, but the spectacle of the chase scenes adds a lot to the quality of the film- making. Judging it on its merits as a police thriller, it's merely a "5", fair. But the film's entertainment value is much higher than that, not just for the chase scenes, but for the laugh value of the film in scenes where it goes wrong. So for fun it's a "9", excellent.Finally, I live in the Seattle area. The film is full of Seattle scenery, vintage 1976. Picking out scenes of Seattle, and marveling at the changes in the city over four decades, is a special pleasure for anyone familiar with Seattle.- -Here's a spoiler-rich summary of the film's events (from memory, with help on character name from AFI):The film begins with Carl, a hardened killer, disguised as a priest, bumping off a drug courier and traveling from Rome to Seattle with ten kilos of heroin hidden inside a fake ancient sculpture, a favorite McGuffin in 1970s crime films. Also aboard the plane is police detective Jackie Parker (Connie Stevens, who the movie poster calls "Scorchy"), who is trying to track the drugs and bust the smugglers. Other police meet Jackie at the airport, and each trails one of the suspects. The sculpture goes to Mary, an (apparently not too discerning) art collector. The dead courier's boss, Philip, learning of his man's demise, decides that Jackie (who, under cover as a private pilot, had befriended his wife Claudia) would be a perfect substitute courier.Jackie and the smuggling bosses visit Mary to retrieve the sculpture to deliver it to a restoration specialist, who is actually the Carl, to restore the statue by removing the drugs under Jackie's supervision. Carl shoots an assistant who is no longer useful, and flees, with Jackie in pursuit in an appropriated dune buggy.Thus begins the main spectacle of the film: a well-orchestrated, many-vehicle chase scene with some impressive stunts. When faced with a choice between plausibility and spectacle, the film chooses spectacle. When faced with a choice between strong-arm robbery and homicide, Carl chooses murder. The chase concludes with a motorcycle jump toward a Washington State Ferry.A few scenes later, smugglers press Jackie into flying the drugs to the San Juan Islands. Her plane isn't ready for a while, so she has a romantic interlude at her Lake Union home (a property so expensive that a real cop probably couldn't even afford to rent it for a weekend). The romance is violently interrupted by Carl and his goon Nick, who make off with the heroin.Jackie gives Philip and Claudia an update, and somehow everyone converges on the home of someone named Suzi. Lots of people start shooting and another big chase ensues. With the aid of a listening device, Jackie learns that the drugs are headed to a mansion owned by kingpin "Big Boy".Police stake out Big Boy's mansion, and Big Boy arrives by helicopter. A giant shootout ensues, and both the cops and the crooks demonstrate remarkable tactical incompetence. As villains start getting away, Jackie sets out in pursuit of Philip in a police helicopter that had arrived during the shootout. They face off at Gasworks Park, she catches him, he shoots her with her own gun, and he kills him with her back-up gun.

Connie Stevens is a pert, buxom Hollywood B-grade starlet, custom built for the exploitation genre, but even this film is beneath her talents. She plays a 'Police Woman' type undercover agent trying to crack a narcotics ring operating between Rome and California. Known for her promiscuous behaviour and unconventional tactics, she's highly effective although often castigated for her entrapments. Embedded, she's recruited by a drug dealer's wife to act as courier for a cartel, but things go awry. She's on her way to solving the mystery when she seduces the drug dealer's young brother-in-law for information - alas, he expires before he can 'give it to her'. And so begins a sordid path of lurid seduction and retributions.Director Avedis had made a few mild exploitation attempts ("The Specialist", "The Teacher"), prior to this effort, but his level of skill hasn't improved. Stevens is vivacious and professional while dependable Smith makes a particularly nasty villain - in one scene, he knocks a motorcyclist from his mount, backtracks on the stolen bike, kicks the stricken rider in the head, then shoots him point blank for his troubles. Crooner Evigan in his film debut is out of his depth in this genre (and as evidenced by his future filmography), while Burton is solid as a stereotypical police chief passively reigning in his star performer's excesses.Notwithstanding the banal dialogue, amateurish cinematography and laboured narrative, "Scorchy" has all the hallmarks of a bona fide sexploitation picture, and therefore, should've been far more entertaining fare. Unfortunately, the low T&A quotient limits that appeal, which in a film titled "Scorchy" is a major liability. Scorchy is clearly a misnomer - it's just laboriously tepid.

Bargain-basement claptrap has female narcotics agent in Seattle about to blow the whistle on international heroin ring. Two well-directed action sequences (one involving a speed-buggy, the other a helicopter) saves this tacky flick from turkey status. Connie Stevens tries hard, but her girlish voice hasn't caught up with her body (most often she sounds like she's trying to be coquettish). Her hair is a marvel though: frosted wings that do most of her acting for her. Masochists will revel in one sequence which typifies the rest: as Connie's lover is grinding away, he is murdered and Stevens, realizing there's a dead man on top of her, opens her mouth as wide as she can and screams like Fay Wray; the killer comes into the room, hauls off and slaps Screaming Connie across the face like a cheap whore. It's almost as jaw-dropping as the Statement-Making finale, which is so self-important it goes beyond cheap laughs. * from ****

This bizarre crime drama stars Connie Stevens as undercover narc Jackie Parker, out to bust the junk smuggling ring commanded by Cesare Danova. There's tons of action: shoot 'em ups, outrageous chase sequences, Connie taking a shower...but the best part of the movie is watching Connie chase the bad guys in what appear to be her pajamas. Add in the fact that the film bears no relation to its odd title, and you have a late night classic.