Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

This movie is the proof that the world is becoming a sick and dumb place

It is a performances centric movie

The first must-see film of the year.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Its not fair to compare special effects and production 30 years removed, but considering that this gem is sandwiched in a era that produced movies such as Alien, Star Wars IV, V , Back to the Future and the such, this 3D movie is much more akin to a straight to VHS (pre-dvd sales) video then anything else. Watching it , I kept saying to myself, I cannot believe this was released to theater and not a Sunday night movie on ABC back in the day.I will not reveal any spoilers, there isn't much to reveal anyways, its a low value, low budge "B" scifi flick, that doesn't as much reveal any story as it does carry along with a soft overlay of one.I've seen plenty of films of this ilk, but have to say, this is a fairly poor effort even by "B" standards.

Director Charles Band followed up PARASITE, his first successful foray into the 3-D world, with this futuristic action-adventure film. It is pretty obvious he is going for a mix of THE ROAD WARRIOR and STAR WARS, but I'm not entirely sure it is successful and at times comes off looking more like MEGAFORCE. The action is good though and the film moves at a quick clip. I'm sure the 3-D was pretty impressive in the theater as all sorts of objects are chucked at the screen. There is also one psychedelic, TRON-inspired bit during the end chase that probably had audiences puking dayglo in the aisles. The acting is good though for a b-movie with Thomerson doing his best Han Solo and Richard Moll showing up as a leader of a group of Cyclops. The film "ends" with the most laughable cliffhanger where Jared-Syn gets away (so the title lied!) and Dogen vows, "I'll find him in another dimension one day." Huh? Obviously Band was hoping this would be a series but poor box office returns from a Universal theatrical distribution vetoed that idea and he moved on to start Empire Pictures (which kicked off production with THE DUNGEONMASTER, again starring Byron). Now if only someone could tell me what the hell METALSTORM means.

Charles Band… yeah producer/director Charles Band and by that name you should know what you are going to get. Well unless it's your first taste, which if it is, 'Metalstorm' is probably not a great starting point. I wanted to like this one more, but by the end I was completely bored with only the saving grace being the performances of an amusing Tim Thomason (who definitely spiced things up) and Richard Moll dressed in make-up. This cheap b-grade post-apocalyptic Sci-fi fling wears its influences for everyone to see, but instills no personality. Aside from the western touches (and that standoff scene is actually well done), it was namely something out of 'Star Wars' and obviously 'Mad Max 2', which you could say Jeffery Byron's ranger character is easily patterned on Mel Gibson's leather-decked road warrior of those films. Nonetheless Bryon's stiff impression is no match. Also appearing with amount of interest is a very beautiful Kelly Preston, but she does quite little than titillate. Mike Preston as the head villain Jared-Syn left a lot to be desired, as I found him laughably nonsensical in a plastic sense.Although why we watch these films is for some senselessly cheap fun and lousy exchanges. The latter was right on the mark with the dialogues, however sadly I found the junky action quite lackluster and sloppy with a poorly shot desert wasteland backdrop. It feels in slow-motion (and Brand even uses that technique at times), despite the (unfocused) story keeping things moving. It has its moments (probably just not enough even with the few tripped-out visuals) and the make-up of the fancy dressed mutants are decently executed. I couldn't say the same about the dodgy special effects, which really do come to the front at the end. Richard Band's score is a clunker of sorts.I didn't find it to be completely awful by any stretch, but more so frustratingly drab and unfulfilled with only some minor flourishes and a chirpy Thomerson.

Potential Spoilers:From the incomprehensible beginning message Dogen receives to the one-expression stare-tastic performance by Byron, this movie is unmatched. Throw in a bit of Richard Moll (see "Dungeonmaster") and you have a recipe for unparalleled B-movie ecstasy.The premise that Jared-Syn will be destroyed (as evidenced by the title of the film) is never realized. Byron (as Dogen) puts up an interesting ante for facially still, gaze-oriented actors, and manages to make it fun to watch. The plot is sometimes convoluted, and contrived, but isn't that what makes this kind of movie entertaining?This is one of Band's more valiant efforts. It uses effects, sure; it uses typical Road Warrior-esque poorly rendered vehicle fight montages, yes; but it also captures something timeless in its utter embracing of what it is. Nothing is resolved. Jared-Syn still lives. Dogen stares. Band is king.