Simon Sez (1999)

Absolutely Fantastic

Clever, believable, and super fun to watch. It totally has replay value.

It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

A terrific literary drama and character piece that shows how the process of creating art can be seen differently by those doing it and those looking at it from the outside.

This movie stars Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. My personal thoughts on Dane Cook are that I think he can be funny. It's hard to support someone who was voted the worst comedian of all time in several different polls. There's no doubt that he's amazingly annoying in this film. I did kind of lose it when he started acting like a velociraptor. There are these two monks who are really obnoxious too.Although it has a 0% on RottenTomatoes, when Obscurus Lupa reviewed this with the Nostalgia Critic, she said she did consider it a guilty pleasure. I mean, that's actually pretty big of her. I guess the action scenes weren't that bad. For the most part, this is still really stupid. It's still definitely by no stretch of the imagination a film I would recommend. One of the monks kind of looked like Samuel L. Jackson, but I knew he'd be too dignified to be in this film. *1/2

...which makes me wonder about myself! This film is horrible...no question about it. The only question is does it belong on IMDb's Bottom 100 list?. Well, I'd say no...but its inclusion doesn't bother me as it is a terrible film with very little to recommend it and it is so incredibly irritating. One one hand, the stunts took considerable talent but on the other hand this is mindless trash through and through.For the most part, the biggest problem was NOT its star Dennis Rodman. He wasn't particularly good, but he wasn't terrible. Yes, he had practically the personality of sawdust, but in this film that's a relatively good thing! That's because at least he wasn't an irritant--like his co-stars. Dane Cook, on the other hand, was about as welcome as cancer in this film. This annoying troll managed to be more obnoxious and unfunny than folks like Chris Tucker or Uncle Joey from "Full House"--now THAT'S bad! Nearly every second Cook was in the film I hated him and wanted his character to die. He was loud, he was unfunny and he made goofy sounds and acted like a dinosaur at one point for no reason whatsoever. The only good thing about this is that his obnoxiousness overshadowed the few times that the normally funny John Pinette was also obnoxious and unfunny. I have never seen a cast of sidekicks less funny or welcome than these trolls! In addition to totally unfunny comic relief, the film suffers from the notion that the only way to hide the fact that Rodman is no actor is to throw over the top stunt after over the top stunt into the film--sort of like 4 or 5 James Bond movies' worth all shoved into one film. Believe it or not, the stunts here are even more ridiculous than those in "Mission: Impossible"--another movie designed for brain-dead audiences who hate plots and only want non-stop action.Normally, I would try to explain the plot and tell you more about the film but I'd rather not and just scream loudly "THIS FILM IS HORRIBLE--AVOID IT LIKE EBOLA!!!!". Dumb, poorly written and childish--there isn't anything (other than a likable villain) to recommend this steaming pile of .....movie. Yuck!

This is one of those movies where there is a minimum of one fight or chase scene every ten minutes, and if not for that there's no reason for the movie to exist. Rodman plays Simon, the man whose sezing is responsible for our title. Rodman is a secret agent for INTERPOL who has no less than TWO comedic sidekicks constantly dressed as monks in their monastery base in France. Simon is a motorcycle riding, kickboxing super agent capable of sliding down columns with his legs so that he can shoot guns with his hands. INTERPOL is apparently one of the easiest to work for secret agencies, because Rodman apparently has no mission or assignment to work on until an old schoolmate played by stand-up comedian Dane Cook, because apparently this film needs a THIRD comedic sidekick. Dane Cook is on a mission to exchange confidential military secrets for his boss's kidnapped daughter, and he brings Rodman along for the ride. The exchange goes bad and Rodman takes charge as any good action-hero does, and together Rodman and the trio of comic relievers try to track down the kidnapped girl and the most ridiculous villain since the Number 23 played itself in the Number 23.Dane Cook manages to work in his impersonations of dogs, dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, and Chewbacca into the first twenty minutes. Remarkably none of the "bits" that may very well have worked on stage fit into the movie and, furthermore, since they all sound virtually identical, really come off as lame. The only difference between Cook's dinosaur and Chewbacca is that dinosaurs have tiny arms. Apparently someone thought animal noises and kickboxing equaled box-office gold; of course, if that were true, Jean-Claude Van Damme's puppet show in Branson would be a bigger draw than it is now. Although to his credit Cook gives up on his impressions, one of Rodman's sidekicks (John Pinette) does a similar whale impression, which at least is tenuously related to the film because he is fat. Hilarious, no? About 1 out of 10 of Dane Cook's lines are amusing, but since 10 out of 10 are supposed to be funny, that's not a very good batting average. During a car chase where Rodman and Cook are being chased by the bad guys, and Rodman TWICE drives for an extended distance while tilted on two tires, Cook quips, "These guys are like my college loan officers, they just keep coming!" There is nothing better in a cheesy action movie than a scenery-chewing villain. This is the one role where it not only acceptable to overact, it is in fact mandatory by Hollywood law. When done right, the actor who hams it up as the villain can steal a movie, as proved by the likes of Robert Patrick in the horrible WWE Films "The Marine" or Christopher Walken in "The Rundown." Our villain "Ashton" is doing an effeminate, impish supervillain that's so bad he'd be more suitable to battle Pee Wee Herman than James Bond. This is the kind of villain who while menacing a colonel he's extorting says, "Colonel, do us all a favor and turn that frown upside down." My favorite is this exchange between Rodman and Ashton:Ashton: "Guess what we're going to blow up first!" Rodman: "Your ego?" Ashton: "No, but nice try, sailor! The Eiffel Tower!" Rodman: "Why?" Ashton: "Because it's big and it's delicious and I'm tired of looking at it!"Like any other action star, Rodman gets to dive from a building before it explodes, then walk in slow motion away from the same building as it burns. Just like a real action hero! And as he emerges, his cohorts actually say, "That's our Simon!" Which, if you think about it, is really dialogue more suited for a wacky, 50s sitcom rather than a cheesy, 90s action flick, but that's just my (correct) opinion.While I've never seen more than short clips of Cook's comedy act and none of his recent starring vehicles, I think he at least adds a certain charm to the film. Rodman doesn't fare so well, though the ridiculous script certainly is of no help. "It ain't over," Rodman growls with what is meant to be intensity. The man really doesn't possess any kind of charisma as far as I can detect. Beyond being a very good basketball player, the only reason that Rodman is famous is due to his outrageous publicity stunts like wearing a wedding dress to a book signing or wrestling in a tag team with Hulk Hogan and thereby degrading brides, books, and professional wrestling (which is hard to do).Unless you love bad action movies as much as I do, you should stay away from this at all costs. But I do love bad action movies as much as I do, and this is so bad it's actually entertaining.DJR - For more of my reviews check out film.ispwn.com

Words cannot describe the feeling i had after watching it....total waste. This movie is totally crap. For all film students, this is an example how not to make a movie. Give me a one dollar budget and i make a better movie. This is my first post on IMDb and i read that u must have a comment longer than 10 lines. Sorry but for this movie i cannot think of more than 10 lines to fill it with. But for all of your protection. Do not see this movie. Never. Period. But if u do don't take it too seriously. I hope that when the producers shot this movie, they didn't have the intention too make a serious, good movie. Maybe they meant to shoot it as one big joke. If thats the case.... Job well done!