Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (1983)

Yawn. Poorly Filmed Snooze Fest.

ridiculous rating

Most undeservingly overhyped movie of all time??

After playing with our expectations, this turns out to be a very different sort of film.

Well I think we're all in agreement this movie is pretty bad. The acting was terrible, the storyline was terrible, and script was garbage.First of all, this plane crashes in the middle of some tribe or something and the people inside (a god-father and beautiful god-daughter) are treated as gods? Really? Then, the dude somehow is able to keep his dignity and his clothes, while the girl fully adjusts to this tribal lifestyle, stripping down and baring her breasts, showing no shame in front of the tribesmen or her godfather.Then she learns what sex is by watching white people in the act? How can a girl who has been so generous as to show her ample breasts not know about sex? Do these tribesmen not reproduce? So later white people find her. What is curious is that neither she nor the group of civilized white people (including her very own uncle) are not at all disturbed at seeing a naked white girl. In fact, her indecency isn't even mentioned.So at the end of the movie, a native (naked) witch woman admits that she only treated the god-father and god-daughter as gods so she could destroy them? What?? All in all, this movie sucked. The 20% of the movie I'm referencing in the title are the parts the naked girl is in (I think she's underage actually). This review should have really gotten 2 stars, but I added a few just because of her body.Believe it or not, though, this actress actually did many nude scenes before and after this movie. Strange right? It seems this pretty little actress loves to be looked at. But who's complaining?

Champion exploitation director Jess Franco provides another installment of his brief yet prolific jungle trash series with Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro AKA The Treasure of the White Goddess AKA a bunch of other titles. The movie shares a lot with the more notable Devil Hunter, another Franco flick from around the same era: some of the "native" music is the same, the cannibal-in-chief is the same actress in both movies, and the overall confused hodge-podge of half-baked themes is similar. Of course, there's also Franco's mandatory home-video style panning and zooming into random things (usually leaves), the totally inappropriate groovy jazz music, and that distinctive trash element that marks all of Franco's oeuvre.Diamonds of Kilimanjaro has a deceptively complex plot, a story so confusing that a reasonable synopsis is impossible. A tribe of English-speaking island aborigines ruled by a drunken Scotsman kill all trespassers who attempt to steal their diamonds, except when convinced otherwise by their Goddess, Diana, a topless teenage white girl. Things get interesting when Diana's mother sends an assortment of bickering bounty hunters to return her daughter to civilization. When not arguing eternally over where they should cross the river, the rescuers develop alternate clandestine plans, including bringing back Diana but stealing the diamonds, not bringing back Diana and stealing the diamonds, murdering Diana and stealing diamonds, marrying Diana and bringing her back with the diamonds, marrying Diana but not bringing her back (forgetting the diamonds), and a few others. Just about everyone dies in the process of figuring this out, sometimes in the nude. At one point Jess Franco answers (again) the rarely asked question of whether it's possible to have a plot twist without having a plot to begin with.Those who expected a Euro-cannibal fest here should have known better. In fact, anyone who knows Franco and expected something other than what he saw needs to have himself examined. Those seeking the ever-elusive Franco "gem" might be disappointed, as usual, but might find enough cheap thrills and mind-bending confusion to make Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro worthwhile.

Good old Jess Franco! The always-reliable choice of director in case you're looking for undemanding sleaze, shameless exploitation and 200% gratuitousness. Jess once again really surpassed himself with this utterly trashy piece of jungle "adventure". Let's face it, this film is basically just an excuse to have the ravishingly hot (and underage…) actress Katja Bienert parade around topless. It's actually a rather disturbing thought that an innocent 16-year-old girl had to walk around a film set naked in front of a whole crew and particularly before the gazing eyes of pervert Franco! And it wasn't even the first time, since the duo previously already made "Linda" together. Anyways, just in case you wondered: YES, "Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro" does have a plot, albeit a very imbecilic one. During the opening sequences a plane, carrying aboard a wealthy Scottish guy and a girl child, crash amidst an African tribe of vegetarian cannibals. I say vegetarian because they never at one point in the film so much even attempt to consume human flesh. The obnoxious Scot declares himself the Great White Leader and the girl grows up to become the beautiful and scarcely dressed White Goddess. Several years later an expedition reaches the middle of the jungle to get the girl back to civilization and – even more importantly - to steal some of the tribe's legendary diamonds. This could have been a compelling and action-packed adventure movie, but Jess Franco obviously couldn't be bothered. Why shoot jungle chase sequences or bloody cannibalistic rites when you can just as easily aim your camera at a hot young chick sitting naked in a tree? Most of the jungle settings simply appear to be filmed in someone's garden and there's a massive amount of clumsily edited National Geographic wildlife footage in order to fill up the gaps in continuity. The back of the DVD describes "Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro" as an ingenious, feminist and adult orientated version of Tarzan. Yeah right, they just put that sentence there because Katja Bienert's character swings from one tree to another using a a couple of times.

Another no budget-shot which is full of the nudity of some quite plain women as well as a not-existing plot and a set decoration that seems to be taken from the botanic garden of a zoo. In other words: Ruggero Deodato´s film looks like the "Citizen Kane" of the cannibal movies, because any acting, storyline, suspense, dramatic, or even cannibalism... are totally missing in Franco´s flick! There´s some animal documentary footage brought on, but the style doesn´t fit to the rest of the film what causes some real laughable impressions! And former German sex starlet Katja Bienert is only ridiculous in the role of Tarzan-like girl Liana, her scream sounds like a drunk gorilla! Don´t be fooled, folks! Even Franco can do it better! Only for those a must-see who think they should have seen all of this director - a lot of work in view of the 176 films Franco shot!!