The Doll Squad (1973)

hyped garbage

Instead, you get a movie that's enjoyable enough, but leaves you feeling like it could have been much, much more.

It is interesting even when nothing much happens, which is for most of its 3-hour running time. Read full review

If you're interested in the topic at hand, you should just watch it and judge yourself because the reviews have gone very biased by people that didn't even watch it and just hate (or love) the creator. I liked it, it was well written, narrated, and directed and it was about a topic that interests me.

The Doll Squad (1973)* (out of 4) Low-budget drive-in flick about a madman (Michael Ansara) who is threatening to take over the world but there's a group of sexy females who go after him. If you're coming to a Ted V. Mikels film expecting some sort of plot then you're obviously not overly familiar with the director's work. No, THE DOLL SQUAD doesn't have a good plot, any good acting or anything good really but if you're a fan of the director or simply low-budget stuff like this then there are a couple worthy moments. However, if you're not a fan of this type of film then I'm willing to bet a month's pay that you won't make it through twenty-minutes. The film is full of all sorts of bad things and we can start with the editing, which is downright bad at times. I'm sure the lack of money didn't help things but there are some scenes that are so poorly edited you can't help but think they must have been using a dull butter knife. Another problem are the bad performances, which range from horrid to downright awful. It's clear no one was really "trying" but then again, no one really expects good performances. The story itself really isn't anything special but that didn't stop the director going after the Charlie's Angels producers. The biggest problem with THE DOLL SQUAD is the same thing that's wrong with several of the director's pictures and that's the fact that it simply runs out of gas way too early and the running time just keeps going. Even at just 91-minutes the film seems three times as long as there's simply too much padding and not enough items that actually keep you entertained. Fans of cheese with enjoy a few of the bad lines and a couple laughable moments but there's just not enough to keep this thing going.

That's what DOLL SQUAD writer\producer\director\actor (guard) Ted V. Mikels must have asked his cronies before foisting this sorry mess upon an unsuspecting world. Ted's intimates were too kind (or too dumb, depending on how you look at it) to answer "Because your mom's friends could more convincingly spoof THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, Ted." Or, "Because it seems your script writers wrote every third sentence--independently of each other, making this story impossible to follow, Ted." Or, "Because some of your musical riffs rip off the actual Bond music so directly, you're bound to get sued, Ted." Or, "Because your 'special effects' are cheesier than a fondue pot, Ted." Or, "Because even the men in your cast can't act or fight a lick, Ted." Or, "If you let anyone besides blood relatives see this mess, they'll think a 16-year-old thought up the whole thing, Ted." Or, "If you film 10 gangs of kids playing 'Spies' in their back yards, 8 or 9 of these films will be better than DOLL SQUAD, Ted." Side note: Mercifully, the print TV channel TCM shows from time to time of DOLL SQUAD has a continuity break in the first half. Apparently it is derived from a print or videotape that had a 10-minute long tangle "lost" in the splicing repair process, yielding a revised running time of 91 minutes, 23.25 seconds (this site says the original length of DOLL SQUAD is 101 minutes). This flick is SO BAD it is not surprising in the least that no one at TCM realized that there was a 10-minute segment in the middle missing!

This highly entertaining action flick is from the legendary Ted V Mikels, director of The Astro-Zombies and The Corpse Grinders. The Doll Squad is a laugh-a-minute cheese-fest of the first order. Mikels apparently sued Aron Spelling for nicking his idea and creating Charlie's Angels. Well, I don't know about that, but what I do know is that I would've been perfectly happy if there had been a series based on this movie. The basic premise is one that really you cannot go wrong with – a group of sexy action chicks take on an evil genius and his army of boneheads and save the day. It's a perfect recipe. What makes it so much fun is that the cheese-factor is in hyper-drive.The film is ram-packed with action from start to finish. Lots of machine-gun toting babes, girls high-kicking men in the face, amazingly fake looking explosions and an array of ludicrous gadgetry. We have bad guys who blow up after drinking explosive vodka, an evil character who has his face set on fire by a cigarette lighter flame thrower and an undercover agent with fake face who is unmasked in a hilarious Scooby Doo style fashion. And for some reason the bad guys travel around in cars sitting on the bonnets, while the Doll Squad navigate the rough terrain of the island in high-heeled boots. Everything is accompanied by the most 70's soundtrack ever recorded. The film is just an endless succession of seriously silly events.The only member of the cast I recognized was Tura Satana from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! fame. She is strangely subdued it has to be said but it's always nice to see her. The rest of the Dolls are completely unfamiliar to me but they all just get stuck in and kick butt at every opportunity. There is a perhaps surprising lack of nudity but it doesn't really matter. The Doll Squad is a blast from start to finish and I strongly disagree with the view held by some that it is boring at all. It's loads of fun.

'The Doll Squad' is testimony to Ted V. Mikel's complete lack of talent, in that he can take the idea of a team of beautiful assassins who must save the world from an evil mastermind intent on infecting us all with bubonic plague, and make it COMPLETELY BORING. On paper this looks like it could be a wonderfully trashy and camp 1970s experience, the kind of movie parodied with such skill and fun in the Austin Powers series. Actually trying to sit through it and stay awake is another matter! Mikel's woeful direction, the no-budget special effects, and the awful acting throughout make it almost painful to endure. Even the semi-naked appearance of the legendary Tura Satana ( from Russ Meyer's classic 'Faster Pussycat!') can't save this turkey!