Prison of the Dead (2000)

Wow! Such a good movie.

Truly Dreadful Film

If the ambition is to provide two hours of instantly forgettable, popcorn-munching escapism, it succeeds.

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

I found myself asking that question many times throughout this movie, a flick my B-Horror-obsessed friend had bought at a Wal-Mart for under 5$ on DVD. Knowing this, I knew I was in for a laugh.But no. I wasn't even graced with that.Instead, I was thrown into a plot-hole paradise, full of high-school play-like acting, terribly written dialogue, recycled footage (watch how many times one crucial shot is repeated 3 or more times within one 5 minute time frame), and a giant, badly-lit, boring set where every room looks exactly the same.Now, let me explain the plot to you. Try to follow: snobby, pretty-boy, rich kid Kristoff tricks some old richer, prettier, and snobbier friends into reuniting by bringing them all to an old funeral home (that looks more like Castle GreySkull) for a viewing of their dead compadre, Calvin(?). Everyone cries, mourn, and talk about all the "f*ckin' wise-cracking jokes" he was so well know for.Punk'd! It turns out Calvin isn't dead at all, and that this was just all a set-up made by the two of them in order to bring the "old gang" together again (seeing as how their such GREAT friends that one has to go to such lengths just to have them all hang out!). No one laughs, but no one really freaks out either. After the joke is over, Kristoff leads our friends downstairs, where an old witches prison is, and explains to the crew that his rich father, who owns a popular tabloid magazine, is holding a contest where people visit the prison (for a small admission fee, of course), are given proper tools, and allowed to dig up the floor of the prison in search of the "Talon Key", an artifact rumored to be hiding underneath the prison floors. The first contestant to find said key wins one million dollars.There. That's pretty much the last you hear about the key until the very end of the film (about an hour and a half later) where it becomes extremely crucial to the story. Kristoff is hell-bent on winning this easy million, and asks his friends to help. And, for extra guidance, Kristoff summons the almighty power of the Ouija board, which somehow awakens 3 dead executioners from the grave who are hungry for blood, and a countless number of witch-ghost-spirit things that start to take over the bodies of our team.Without giving too much away, that's pretty much it, and all of this is explained, word for word, very casually, within the first 10 minutes of the film. I truly cannot comprehend how this movie even got onto DVD, or how little the cast and crew were paid for it. There are so many plot-holes and just all-around f*ck-ups, that it's almost impossible to count. This is definitely a movie only worth watching when you're seriously hungover, and don't feel like using your brain too much.

Five Paranormal investigators meet(I will not tell you why they meet)at a funeral home that for some reason is in a castle. Full Moon fans will identify this castle, due to the fact that it has been used in many Full Moon productions. After they meet up they try to contact the spirit of the former Executioners that watched over the prison. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that conveniently under the funeral home is an old prison. This is the place where former witches and other villains were tortured and killed. Let's stop here and point out something that still has me scratching my head. When these group of "Paranormal Investigators", decide to contact the spirit, they pull out a Ouija board. Nothing strange here right? Well they start freaking out like they have never even touched one before. Isn't this a tool of the trade in their profession? After I set there in disbelief over this, I realized how horribly bad the acting was. I don't mean like after school special bad, I mean like 8th grade video class project bad. I thought the acting is bad but maybe the Executioners will make up for it. If a Wal-Mart Halloween mask means making up for it, than yeah I guess it did. This one is bad folks. If they threw in some gore, than maybe it could have helped out this awful story. The only resemblance to gore would be the blood squirt in the face bit. Boy did they wear that out fast to. The only reason to watch this piece of crap is to have a good laugh, and believe me there is plenty of those to be had.

I don't even need to explain it. It's awful....yet....I was compelled to buy it when it was on sale at Blockbuster for $2. Just to say I had it. There was the most obscure and awful movie ever, and I had seen it, and it was two dollars. Wonderful. Now I have another piece of junk...

...But I actually liked this movie. Yeah all the typical elements of a David Decoteau film are here: Bad acting, Bad script, A guy in his underwear, silly special effects, and recycled scenes used only as padding to make the movie longer. It is not wonder he uses so many alias's. Though, I can't help but like this movie. It is dark, and moody, and has a presence that is somewhat different than some of Decoteau's other movie for Full Moon. The thought of a place where witches were executed, and a struggle between their executions is a good one. But, of course not enough time is spent on the story, but instead on dumb dialog. Of course, in true Full Moon fashion, the ending is completely rushed and sucks! I can't stand Debra Mayer! Okay that is out of my system.Still, nothing great, but not horrible...Looking forward to the 2nd one, directed by Danny Draven (Horrorvision). 6 out of 10