Berserker (1987)

Who payed the critics

Brilliant and touching

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

The storyline feels a little thin and moth-eaten in parts but this sequel is plenty of fun.

A group of friends are on a camping trip where they encounter a "nordic beast" which assaults(more like mauls them)with bear claws. Out in the darkness of the wilderness somewhere near their cabin(or another's cabin they "borrow"), this group is lost, hoping to find their way back, but this will be a dangerous quest as the "berserker" is somewhere in the midst, ready to strike.Based on legend, the berserker is said to be a descendant of the Vikings, savage humans, in bear skins(wearing their heads and arms equipped with claws), cannibalistic even, who eat their prey. It was said, as part of the legend, that the souls of the berserkers were not allowed into heaven, and so they continue on, invading the bodies of their ancestors. Could this be who is after the group of college youths just out of the city for some fun? Most of the attacks are claws to the victims' faces and bodies. Some nudity and sex between boyfriend/girlfriend, Mike and Shelly(Joseph Alan Johnson and Beth Toussaint)before the berserker goes on a rampage. It all started with Josh's girlfriend, Kristi(Shannon Engemann)having to urinate, with Mike and Shelly going to see what was taking her so long. While the lovebirds were engaged in sex, Kristi was being attacked. Soon the entire company is in the woods, searching for an exit. Josh(Greg Dawson)used to come to the cabins all the time with his father..he's the one of the group who who can be a pain in the ass, and is a bit of a mischief maker. He tosses out a beer can and is pulled over by police officer, Hill(John Goff), not the right start to their vacation. Hill warns of littering and sends them on their way. George Buck Flower is Pappy Nyquist, who runs the campgrounds and cabins where our gang wish to crash. Pappy is from "the old country", his w's sounding like v's. Hill and Pappy are life long friends and discuss, vaguely, the Norse legend. We get the impression that those outside the city, aren't very fond of the outsiders who show up to leave garbage for them to clean up. The area where the cabins are located had descendants of the Vikings/berserkers, which might explain who is behind the murders which soon transpire. Or, as the filmmakers point out, a bear shown wandering about in the woods could be the culprit. When Larry(Rodney Montague) breaks a leg stumbling over a log, Josh will remain with him as Larry's girlfriend Kathy(Valerie Sheldon)and Mike go for help. A constant in this movie is the discovery of past victims, buried in bushes or hidden underneath tree branches, which obviously shock and frighten the cast not expecting corpses in the general area. Basically carries the structure of the wilderness slasher movie, with a "berserker" and claws replacing a knife-wielding maniac. Buck Flower completists might want to check this out. The ending I found pretty silly and more than a bit bewildering, the way the berserker responds to sunlight and how the image of "it" changes as the film closes.

Sure, this movie sucks, but it is a deliberate exercise in bad taste that revels in it's awfulness. Six unlikeable dimwits go up to a secluded camping lodge in the north country for a beer, pot and sex fueled romp at a vacation resort one of them had visited as a kid. Now he is all grown up into an obnoxious, beer-swilling jerk who's lack of personal charm is only matched by the sheer crappiness of the music he blasts on his boom box while everyone else is trying to sleep. People ask me why I have no interest in attending high school or college reunions, the answer is that from my recollection they were all jerks just like him, which also explains why I have developed a taste for low-rent 80s teen horror: Watching the bastards get killed in horrible ways that don't actually require me to do anything that might result in a prison term.The crew and I have the formula down pat: I get my hands on some grubby old rental tapes of movies you can't rent on Netflix, rustle up a case of beer for Friday night, maybe a bottle of the old sauce and some snack mix. At 10pm we get started with a round-robin discussion that usually devolves into people shouting at me about how much Bush sucks, how evil Bush is, all of the current Bush scandals and outrages, how much Bush has ruined the world, and what a dimwit I am for not seeing through all of the Bush lies, Bush conspiracies, and Bush tyranny that have turned this world into such an awful place. If you ask me the it's always been a sewer. By then we are primed for some serious drinking and it's time for a movie or two we can laugh at together, usually with some common unifying theme. This weekend it was Viking Horror, and by god if BERSERKER with it's stupid, rampaging Viking bear wasn't the more enjoyable of the two, primarily because it had no greater aspirations than to deprive it's female cast members of their clothing, kill the cast off in reverse order of likability and provide a couple of belly-laughs at it's empty headed, vacuous and mercifully quick runtime. The fun is in using our belladonic hazed imaginations to establish how the characters in the film embody traits of those we have left behind us in our journey through time since school: The Jerk, Mr. Popular, his girlfriend Ms. Popular, the Ditz, the Simpering Queer Guy and the Snooty Bitch getting prominent attention in this one. Oh yeah, we knew them all, and waited twenty years to finally get to see them die in a horror movie. "Pass the snack mix, please."For some reason the lead jerk in the film decides to trick everyone into staying at the exact cabin he bunked at as a kid, thumbing his nose at the kindly old Swedish guy who runs the place and annoying everyone within earshot with his crummy synth metal arena rock. This naturally causes the re-incarnated spirit of a long dead viking warrior to issue forth from his grave in the form of a giant bear -- played convincingly by a giant bear -- who then proceeds to stalk down and tear the girls limb from limb when they venture away from their boyfriends to take potty breaks out in the woods. The bear creeps up on them, startles them, chases them for an arbitrary period of time and then mauls them to death, repeat and rinse. For variety in addition to the Jerk and his buddy Mr. Popular we get the class closeted Simpering Queer Guy complete with his lisp and pink button up shirt. He still gets to score with one of the girls but that's OK, just as long as the Jerk doesn't get any we are happy.If none of this sounds original or inspired you are absolutely correct and probably touching on the main reason why these movies can be so much fun -- It is reassuring to know that things will pretty much work out the same over the course of 90 odd minutes of the familiar garbage, which of course is endearing now in the age of truly annoying populist junk like CHAOS, WOLF CREEK and HOSTEL who's sole purpose seems to be to mortify those who's remaining pustules of humanity have not already been punctured by five years of the War on Terror. BERSERKER by contrast was made at a time when horror movies were still made to titillate and provoke, and the film's most provocative imagery involves Beth Toussaint (who played Tasha's absolutely gorgeous hot nerd goddess babe sister on STAR TREK: TNG) doing full frontal nudity and screwing like a cowgirl out in the woods under the full moon as her friend is torn apart by the bear during cross cutting editing.So sex and violence mixed with violence and sex, edited together into some sick montage of orgasms and suffering in case you are too thick skulled to get the point on your own. We watched this as a double bill with the genuinely unremarkable Viking HIGHLANDER ripoff horror opus THE RUNESTONE, which was a better made, classier production that did not have one memorable scene in it's overlong 97 minute runtime. This one clocked in at about 85 minutes and generated belly-laughs all around: It was cheap, sleazy, lurid, entertaining, hilarious, stupid, unassuming, fast and worthy of a second viewing once the hangover had departed to find out just how the movie ended, because like any good party I could not remember how things worked out in the end other than I still had my shoes on when regaining consciousness. Always a prime indicator that you may not have accomplished anything but can rest assured that you had a good time, and in a town like this that is the more important consideration.7/10

When one ponders how truly terrible a handful of 80's "wackos-in-the-woods" fright features tend to be (e.g., "The Forest," "The Prey," and "Don't Go in the Woods"), claiming that "Berserker" qualifies as an especially abysmal example of this horror sub-genre speaks volumes about its exceptionally abominable lack of quality. The plot's strictly by-the-numbers -- and from hunger to boot: Six bland, witless jerky teens (three guys and three gals) go camping in the Wisconsin wilderness, only to wind up getting bagged by a claw-and-bear snout wearing modern-day descendant of an ancient fabled Norwegian warrior known as a -- big, portentous drum roll please -- BERSERKER! This flat, flaccid stinker misses the boat in practically every respect; it's a cheap, overly familiar and grindingly predictable time-waster brought down by horrid acting from the talentless, irritating teens (only the lovely Beth Toussaint, who bears a passing resemblance to Linda Hamilton, manages to make a favorable impression because she not surprisingly bares all in a thoroughly gratuitous, yet still much-appreciated sex scene), insipid cardboard characters, an unbearably poky pace, extremely bogus gore (the Norwegian nutcase rubs what looks like sodden raspberry jelly all over its victims' faces), a trite, meandering narrative, a blatantly telegraphed "surprise" ending, and dire, uninspired direction. The sole source of faint entertainment is the always refreshing and uplifting presence of late, great, sorely missed fat guy character actor favorite George "Buck" Flower, who delivers a funny, spirited performance as Pappy Nyquist, the choleric, doddering, eccentric camp caretaker whose land the kids trespass on. Flower's frequent co-star John Goff appears as an ineffective sheriff. Goff and Flower collaborated on the scripts for such choice 70's drive-in cheese as "Joyride to Nowhere," "C.B. Hustlers," and the immortal "Drive-In Massacre." Among the many movies Goff and Flower appear in together are "The Witch Who Came from the Sea," "The Alpha Incident," "The Fog," the indispensable Pia Zadora classic "Butterfly," "The Night Stalker," "Maniac Cop," "They Live," "Relentless," "Skeeter," both "Ilsa" flicks, and "Tammy and the T-Rex." And I believe I'm going off on a little extraneous tangent here. But hey, when you're reviewing a flick as lame and unremarkable as "Berserker" the urge to embark on an utterly incongruous tangent is downright impossible to resist. I think that says plenty about this baby's lowly status as an undeniably dismal dud.

Berserker starts off looking like it will be a fairly decent backwoods slasher but it soon becomes apparent that it's another bore-fest. It's a shame because it could have been so much better, and backwoods slashers like this just aren't made any more. The only good points are that there is a nice creepy atmosphere in the woods. The fog that seems to be everywhere seems a bit silly and unrealistic, yet at the same time adds to the atmosphere. The main reason Berserker is so boring is that there is a serious lack of lighting. Whenever someone gets killed, you can't even see it because of the darkness. Only recommended for slasher completists - everyone else should avoid this bore-fest.