The Bracelet of Bordeaux (2007)

I have absolutely never seen anything like this movie before. You have to see this movie.

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

A terrific literary drama and character piece that shows how the process of creating art can be seen differently by those doing it and those looking at it from the outside.

I'm from the community of The Woodlands, Texas, an affluent suburb about 30 miles north of Houston. As a film nerd, I was always excited to see the only "major" motion picture movie to be filmed in my town, that being The Bracelet Of Bordeaux. I remember when it came out, many of my middle school friends were talking about being in the background, or that their houses or streets could be seen in the distance. After over a decade of curiosity, I finally tracked down the only production from my hometown...and it's sadly not only a bad movie, but one of the worst movies I've ever seen.Not a single solitary aspect of this film is good. I suppose the two young child protagonists are passable, but that's about it. The production quality looks like an effortless middle school project made by two slackers, like it was filmed on a $50 Flip camera bought at Walmart. Youtube videos look better than this. The villains are over the top and completely pointless with no real motives beyond just being poorly written villains (the Italian mob teaming with generic metalhead punks? What?). The script is horrible, the jokes are cringeworthy, and everything else I haven't mentioned yet is just abysmal. On top of everything, it's just excruciatingly boring. It became a chore to watch this film after just 10 minutes. There's also a two minute long dog fart battle...I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing.It becomes so bad that it stops being funny, and instead becomes a trance-inducing film coma of swirling chaos, something not even the worst shrooms could give. I mostly blame the horrendous grainy home-camera cinematography, but the terrible writing, acting, and humor all blend together to create a pool of depression, like an everflowing stream of hallucinogenic fluff.Not to mention all the Texas stereotypes. I'm sure most northerners or foreigners don't know this, but most Texans don't wear the cliché cowboy hat and boots, especially in modern upper class community like The Woodlands, where the official community uniform might as well be Vineyard Vines or Hollister. Most Woodlanders would laugh at the sight of a cowboy hat. As you'd expect, every other male character in this film wears a giant cowboy hat and boots with spurs, spewing out cliché slang like "HOWDY Y'ALL?" and "WHAT IN TARNATION!" You'd think that, because the movie was filmed in Texas, they'd see that nobody actually dressed or talked like that. The only thing missing is a shootout at high noon and a brawl in the saloon. At least it doesn't take place in the desert.So everything is terrible, right? Well, we still haven't discussed the worst part of the movie: the production itself. The film was made by Frank Eakin, who, according to people I've interviewed and reports I've read online, claimed to be a big Hollywood hotshot and would "make The Woodlands the next Hollywood". He claimed the film would be a massive budget fantasy film on the same scale as The Chronicles Of Narnia, and because of that, said that all extras had to pay $250 for the blessing of being in a major blockbuster. After filming wrapped, Eakin and crew fled town and gave no updates on the film for 3 years, making the town believe that they had been scammed. Finally, after 3 years of locals raging about their wasted money, the film suddenly appeared out of nowhere, not in theaters, but in local video shops. Instead of the massive scale blockbuster they were promised, they received a crappy low budget home video with terrible effects, awful jokes, and wasted community effort. On top of that, many of the kids who paid $250 to appear in the film had their scenes cut entirely and appear nowhere in the deleted scenes or extras. However, it doesn't end there. When parents went to IMDb to vent their frustrations, they found that their comments and reviews were flagged and deleted, and were replaced by several clearly fake reviews praising the film and, in particular, gloating about how amazing and talented Frank Eakin is. Go and read them for yourself and see if you think they're real or not. If this review mysteriously gets deleted, you'll know the truth.So, what's the lesson here? Don't lie to a community about making a horrible passion project, because your film may end up being one of the worst films ever made. The Woodlands is a beautiful community with a plethora of interesting things and it deserves much better than a movie about magical farting dogs.

The Bracelet of Bordeaux is a must see! It is a great family movie for all! Lively adventure mystery the whole family can enjoy. The punks were hilarious. The sprouts enthusiastic. The dogs rip roaring. The two young sleuths and their pups were adorable. It was a heart warming story as the two sleuths set out to solve a mystery (or two) and along the way they also discover something about themselves. Superbly done! It is sure to put a smile on your face and laughter in your heart! It's great to see a film that young kids can enjoy. We need more family entertainment that all can enjoy! This one definitely hits the spot! Way to Go!!

I attended the premiere of The Bracelet of Bordeaux last weekend. I was totally impressed and enjoyed the movie very much. It was rewarding to see how all of the hard work put in by Frank Eakin and his community model approach to movie-making looked on the big screen. I know the cast and crew felt the same way. The characters, music, special effects and story line were great. We brought guests to see the movie as well. They were also impressed with quality of the film and actors. It was fun to see places we recognized in the movie. We all thought that it was refreshing to see a children's movie that also kept adults watching. We hope to see more Helen Hixson adventures in the future.

This movie has gotten very positive reviews in the local press and from a national critic. My expectations were high, and they were fully met. We attended the movie because it stars a cute Papillon (I have two) and kids who love mystery adventures. The story kept me engaged from start to finish and the performances were excellent. My girl and boy loooved it. It was filled with many chuckles for both kids and parents. In order to understand the performances, you had to understand the type of humor and off-beat nature of the characters. The kids seemed to get it, as they laughed often and clapped enthusiastically at the end of the movie.The headline of the review from a tough movie critic in today's The Villager was "The Bracelet of Bordeaux Works Like a Charm". I agree.