The Apocalypse (1997)

Don't listen to the Hype. It's awful

What a freaking movie. So many twists and turns. Absolutely intense from start to finish.

Ok... Let's be honest. It cannot be the best movie but is quite enjoyable. The movie has the potential to develop a great plot for future movies

One of the film's great tricks is that, for a time, you think it will go down a rabbit hole of unrealistic glorification.

I don't know what just happened to me. Sandra Bernhard was fighting David Crosby while the little hooker friend from Pretty Woman was performing "Scenes From Shakespeare." You read that right. It's a good thing that the MPAA does not enact capital punishment, because everyone involved would have been strung up as examples to aspiring actors, writers and directors with more enthusiasm than talent. Painful. Pro tip: adding (AND ENDLESSLY REPEATING THE SAME) lines from Shakespeare does not make your movie good; it actually highlights how crummy the movie is. The writing was puerile, the acting was a visual Columbine, and the plot couldn't make it. Not all of the cats in the world could have made this movie enjoyable or even watchable. If faced with the dilemma of watching this movie or...doing anything else, I can strongly and authoritatively recommend anything else.

The plot is somewhat typical of a scifi movie, yet could've had potential: in the past, a crazy woman hijacked a ship carrying enough explosive chemicals to destroy a world. She rigged it so that whoever discovered the ship and reactivated it in the future would be stuck on it in a collision course with Earth. Jump ahead: the ship, thought long lost, reappears and a salvage crew goes to save the contents and make a profit. Unfortunately the second half of the team turns out to be terrorist hijackers with no social conscience who slaughter most of the first half, leaving only two survivors to stop the ship from it's final destination. Sounds exciting, right? There's even a wicked plot twist wherein the crazy woman has recorded video footage of herself reciting Shakespeare quotes that you have to complete every few minutes in order to continue accessing the computer system. Even the characters sound good: a tough-talking female salvage pilot; the naive bartender/wannabe space explorer; the pilot's ex boyfriend, a man so drunken with greed that he'd risk an entire planet to try and turn a profit. The effects are fairly good as well. So why then does this movie fail so horribly? Because the dialouge is some of the worst scriptwriting EVER. An example: Bad Guy With Gun Pointed at Door - "Little Pigs, Little Pigs, Let Me In! (BLAM!) Or I'll Huff! (BLAM!) And I'll Puff! (BLAM!)" You get the idea. The incredible talented of Sandra Bernhard and Laura San Giacomo (left with the incredible task of free-associating Shakespeare with a mentally deranged space woman) are wasted in this film that's so bad you might just enjoy it if you're in the mood to mock it while you're watching.

This film could have been interesting, but it wasn't. The thing that seemed most odd about this film was that a few times during the movie, the group started fighting with the guy who was trying to figure out the puzzles and save the ship. I suppose they figured that if he was beat senseless he could solve the problems more efficiently. Anyway, I try to find some reason to see a movie in most of my reviews, so you might consider this movie if you're interested in weird uses of Shakespeare.

Even though I checked this movie out for free, it was a huge waste of my time. Pathetic acting, terrible special effects, and a plot that goes nowhere are the BEST things about this movie. Don't waste your time.