Big Tits Zombie (2010)

Excellent, a Must See

This is a must-see and one of the best documentaries - and films - of this year.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

Absolutely dismal attempt to make something resembling a horror comedy, like only the Japanese in their sick psycho minds could produce (any Japanese people that have seen this thing would indubitably concur with me in that last bigotry ridden statement). Easily one of the worst films I've ever seen, which unfortunately even ended up in my movie collection (I never knew my friends disliked me so much they would give me this monstrosity for my birthday... but at least I didn't pay for it, except for the ten years it took away from my life by giving me brain rot). Except for a few nice naked breasts sparsely displayed throughout, there's just nothing redeemable about this audiovisual piece of poo that by rights shouldn't even be allowed to be called a movie, since that would insult anyone who's ever worked on proper films. The plot, if there is such a thing here, revolves around a few exotic dancers (a bunch of girls with hardly any acting experience, which is clearly revealed) who find themselves under siege by completely unconvincing looking zombies (my cat's fleas could have provided better make-up effects!) after discovering some old book containing incantations capable of resurrecting the dead. Every supposed joke the brainless mutants called 'writers' make misses its mark completely, making this movie so painfully cringe worthy this flick is very hard to sit through, even though it's running for only 74 minutes. To make matters worse – yes, that is actually possible – the movie boasts 3D effects: every time an icon pops up in the corner of the screen, you can put on your 3D glasses, but what is seen when wearing these is not 3D, it's just jumbled, messed up imagery, inducing nasty headaches within seconds. Depth is obviously non-existent in every way here, it might as well be called a 0D movie. If there ever is such a thing as a public movie burning rally somewhere, this is the title you're most likely to see in agony on the bon fire; I'd be first in line to make sure no copies of this horrific pile of garbage survive the event. Original Japanese title: Kyonyȗ Doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippȃ 5: if there's indeed a part 1 through 4 of this (I never bothered finding this out), watching the series in a marathon is nothing short of committing seppuku, the dishonorable version.

Was I expecting too much from this film? Doubtful. All I really wanted was what the title promised. Big tits and zombies. There are some nice breasts on show, but they aren't that big, nor are they around for very long. This is the kind of cheap Japanese video film that is shot in a few days. The zombies are also not very impressive. Some just have grey faces, making all these zombies look like they died in a fire. Others have horrendous masks a child would be embarrassed to wear at Halloween. Some of the zombies don't even make sense, with one guy donning a skeleton mask, even though he only turned in the last few hours. The film is meant to be laughed at, certainly, but it needed more ridiculous fun to succeed, Successful parts included the running down of a resident, zombie sushi, and the main villain being particularly pleasing to the eye. Sometimes it's camp fun, like seeing the strings levitate a head, but when the film can't even meet quality standards regarding the tits or the zombies, then it's time to move on.

Since watching the yawn-inducting film Teenage Hooker Becomes A Killing Machine,I really had to push myself in giving this,very similar looking film a try.Happily,with the films good mix of comedy horror and a light Grindhouse touch ,I realised that this was a film that I was very happy to have tried out. The plot: With a group of five strippers struggling to make any cash at the current location,the girls decide that it is time to change locations.Luckally for them,a new building has come on the market at a super-cheap price,partly due to the recent owner having killed himself in the building.Looking around their new self-owned Strip Club,one of the girls finds a hidden library in the building.Unwisely deciding to read one of the books out loud,one of the girls ends up opening the gates of hell,and becomes the general for the army of the undead!.As the undead start taking over the city,the four other girls decide that it is time they fight back. View on the film: Although the film does not feature as much nudity,as would be expected for a movie with this title,writer/director Takao Nakano makes up for it by giving the film a brilliant,primary colour-soaked comic book look,with the blood spillings from the Zombies,almost looking like it is about to jump off the page.Along with his fun, light-Gindhouse style screenplay,Nakano's film is also given an extra coat of paint from his five leading ladies,who as well as looking very beautiful,as give the film a Bright 'N Cheerful nature,with lead actress Sola Aol giving a very good performance as the main Zombie hunter,who kills the Zombies in the most stylish way possible. Final view on the film: A fun film,with a surprisingly cheerful look,that also has a great,bold,colourful comic-book style from director Nakano,and a stunningly beautiful (and surprisingly good) cast.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about the new Japanese movie Kyonyu Dragon AKA Big Tits Zombie is the absence of weirdness, at least when compared to the lunacy of (what I thought might be) its cinematic peers Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl and Tokyo Gore Police.In fact if you were to ignore the English title and simply watch the film it is merely a wink-wink T & A tease with some amusing gore, over the top setpieces and yes a few WTF moments. Which I guess shows the genius behind the title in the first place, after all if this film was known solely as Kyonyu Dragon there would be a 1% chance of me actually tracking it down. Calling the film Big Tits Zombie meant that this film had been on my "to see" list for 6 months already.Not that I was watching for much more than curiosity value mind you, I knew this was unlikely to be a classic and realize if you are seeking "more" (read porn) from a film that this was never likely to deliver – to back that statement up American Pie was more explicit than this film – but again with this title such a film simply must be seen at least once.The plot is once again strangely linear for a Japanese splatter film – it actually makes sense! In saying that it is hardly the most intricate or original piece of work. Five strippers *cough* entertainers work for a seedy guy in a seedy building performing for seedy clients, though not many customers it must be said.This means they have a lot of downtime to sit around and talk in their underpants and bras, pausing only occasionally to get on their hands and knees in front of the camera or to have a playful fight which results in the temporary removal of aforementioned bras.The camera practically drools over the girls but it must be said that they never really do anything overtly provocative or erotic, their dancing is more clumsy and playful, and they never play up too much for the camera.They are told by the boss that due to a lack of clientele they are out of a job, unless they decide to head down the street to work as more personal entertainers for a "Private Spa". After a brief discussion where the girls clearly state that they are not hookers they go there anyway and become companions for a – I have to say it – freaky looking dwarf gangster boss and his men.So far nothing particularly zany or wacky has happened, but then the girls discover a door that leads through tunnels to the abandoned building across the road, a building that is supposedly haunted. It is here that the girls find cash, valuables… and the Book of the Dead.So that's where I left it! Of course one of the girls reads a passage that awakens the dead, the girls are called on stage to perform and they are amazed to see that they will play to a packed house – of zombies.BTZ is a merciful 73 minutes, when you don't have much to do or say after the title is known that's a good idea.The makeup effects of the zombies is deliberately (well it must be) amateurish, the acting, dancing and action scenes all very much tongue in cheek and the CGI blood spurts and sparks that go along with the sword and chainsaw fights that ensue are cheap but perform the limited role that they are given.Aside from the title the smartest thing that the film-makers do is costume the girls in tiny shorts and bras and have them wiggle about a bit – that and allowing the tall hot one and the short cute one to survive to the end of the film.Not sure if there is anything left to report when reviewing a film called Big Tits Zombie, I'll leave by saying that it everything that you expect a film with that title to be – but also less than you might expect a film wit that title to be.At an hour and change though it is an amusing little curio that reaches the meager goals it sets itself.Final Rating – 6 / 10. An amusing little film behind a clever marketing ploy based solely upon the title. I understand a few of the leads are porn stars, if you watch the trailer and then google a couple of the cast you will probably get the same result in about an hour less…If you liked this review (or even if you didn't) check out oneguyrambling.com