Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Most undeservingly overhyped movie of all time??

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

The movie turns out to be a little better than the average. Starting from a romantic formula often seen in the cinema, it ends in the most predictable (and somewhat bland) way.

A film of deceptively outspoken contemporary relevance, this is cinema at its most alert, alarming and alive.

Gymnast Lance Stargrove (a likable performance by the hunky John Stamos) joins forces with lovely, but lethal secret agent Danja Deering (a winningly vibrant portrayal by the insane foxy Vanity) in order to stop evil power-crazed hermaphrodite criminal mastermind Velvet Von Ragnar (a gloriously hammy and outrageous Gene Simmons) from poisoning the city's water supply.Director Gil Bettman, working from an incredibly inane script by Steven Paul and Anton Foutz, keeps the enjoyably absurd story moving along at a brisk pace, treats the kitschy material in an engaging tongue-in-cheek manner, and stages the rousing action set pieces with gusto. Moreover, it's acted with zest by an enthusiastic cast: Stamos and Vanity make for appealing leads, Simmons has a field day with his juicy villain role, plus there are neat contributions from Peter Kwong as Lance's nerdy inventor buddy Cliff, Robert Englund as sinister computer geek Riley, George Lazenby as Lance's suave spy father Drew, John Anderson as businesslike lawyer Arliss, and Ed Brock as hulking flunky Pyramid. The gaudy fashions (Ragnar's minions come across like a bunch of punk rejects from a failed casting call for a low-rent "Road Warrior" rip-off), cheesy hair band rock soundtrack, and alarming array of ghastly big hairdos all give this picture a certain endearingly tacky 80's period charm. David Worth's slick cinematography provides a pleasing polished look. The mechanically bouncy synthesizer score by Lennie Niehaus hits the stirring spot. A total schlocky hoot.

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.Five out of 10.

LOL, this is bad, yes, but if you really must know, I think it's worth checking out just to see Gene Simmons cackle like the wicked witch of the west. Otherwise it's a stinkeroo. I could have a whole tape of this movie with just Gene's scenes in it to lmao. This also robs heavily from the Mad Max movies. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was also making fun of the gender bender, big hair boy bands of the 80's. Or someone's perception of them anyway.

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5