The Blade Master (1984)

That was an excellent one.

An action-packed slog

Although it has its amusing moments, in eneral the plot does not convince.

Mostly, the movie is committed to the value of a good time.

The Blade Master, alternatively titled Cave Dwellers, is a pathetic Conan the Barbarian rip-off that was made in Italy and dubbed into English. It was made on a very low budget by people who knew virtually nothing about acting or directing, but that still doesn't explain how things went so horribly wrong. I suspect the writer(s) may have been smoking something.The titular hero is the beefy, Ator, who we first see in the opening credits, sneaking through some caves alongside a black man who is never seen in the actual movie. It's hard to tell what is actually going on because there's no sound, the footage is extremely choppy, and the lower half of the screen is blacked out so we can read the credits. Our first proper introduction comes in an extended flashback in which some philosopher/monk/king tells his daughter Leila Ator's life story so far, which I suspect occupied an entire previous film. No sooner is this father/daughter story time finished then the castle is attacked by a horde of barbarian horsemen, and Leila flees to call Ator for help. She finds him of course, along with his sidekick, the unfortunately named Thong. Then it's up to the three of them to save Leila's father, and the kingdom, from the bad guy.This movie's biggest problem, aside from the lack of any money or talent, is that it never quite gets its act together. It never establishes the time and place. I can't tell whether all this is happening in prehistory or in the middle ages. I'm also not sure if this is supposed to be Earth or if it's some mythical realm. I don't think they ever refer to the kingdom by name.Nor is there much sense of scale or space. For instance, Leila's father tells her that Ator's home is 'at the ends of the Earth.' Yet after escaping the castle, she arrives at Ator's cave in the very next scene- with the arrow she was shot with during her escape still embedded in her chest! This would lead one to believe that the ends of the Earth weren't so far after all. But then they spend the rest of the movie returning to the castle. I don't know how that works, and I suspect that neither do the writers.Anyway, while the heroes are having their adventures, the bad guy is holding Leila's father prisoner. He doesn't kill the old man because he wants to discover the secrets of a powerful weapon known as – I'm not making this up- the geometric nucleus. But his method of interrogating the old man is rather strange. Rather than torturing the knowledge out of him, the evil warlord engages him in long, boring conversations. I very much doubt that any real people have ever spoken the way these two do. The bad guy sounds like a Republic serial villain, and Leila's father sounds at various times like a fortune cookie, a teenage socialist, and an educational video on the importance of the modern justice system.Not that the other characters have dialogue that's much better. Ator is established early on as having been the old guy's most brilliant student, a master of magic, science, and natural philosophy. Yet when he opens his mouth he talks like a first year English-as-a-second-language student, which he may actually be. At one point he gives a less than rousing speech laying out the blindingly obvious strategy for an upcoming battle, and then the battle never takes place! Did they mean to film the battle and then run out of money, or was the speech intended as a red herring? I don't know, and I'm not sure it really matters.Now I've put this off as long as I can, but there are two scenes in this movie that leave me asking "What the hell were they thinking?" The first comes when the heroes storm the castle. Ator tells Leila and Thong to take a secret passage into the fortress while he prepares a distraction. "He's up to something" remarks Leila. Boy is he ever. Cut to Ator jumping from a cliff- aboard a hang glider made from ropes and skins. WTF!?! He actually flies- and drops bombs! - from a hang glider. At this point they might as well bring in the Great Gazoo atop his flying saucer.But as unbelievable as the hang-gliding scene is, this next one takes the cake. At the end, as Ator rides off into the sunset, the movie cuts to footage of an atomic bomb test, while a voice over guy intones that modern man would do well not to unleash world destroying powers, etc. Once again, WTF!?! They actually put a clear anti-nuclear warning into a sword-and-sandal B-movie! One might as reasonably slip a message about overpopulation or credit card debt into a pirate movie. I don't know what they were on when they decided to make The Blade Master an issue movie, but I'm guessing it was something pretty strong.Now let me think, is there anything else I should mention before wrapping up this review? Oh yeah, there's a scene where the good guys nearly get sacrificed to a giant snake. It's a bit hard to tell because it was so dark, but I think the snake-god was a massive plush toy. And I'm fairly sure that the princess's chest plate was a hubcap. When the leading lady is given a hubcap to wear, it's safe to say you're watching a true no-expense-taken enterprise.

Like all sword and sorcery fans, i sincerely expect that the next sword and sorcery flick that i can get, it would be better..but i always fell in the same mistake all over again...do you know what i mean?Im sure you do... What can i say about "Ator the invincible"...hum..its really bad, one of the crappiest ultra-low-budget sword and sorcery flicks i ever seen, even worst than "Ator, the Fighting Eagle". Milles O'keefe is bad, Lisa Foster is awful as actress, but is a beautiful girl (maybe the best thing in the movie). Zor,NOOOOO...ITS ONE THE WORST BAD GUY EVER, is a Genghis Khan rip off with a fake mustache!!!!The plot is terrible, i think everything is terrible in "Ator the Invencible - 2"...But what can we say...definitely, along with "Gunan il Gerriero" (Franco Prosperi) and "Wizards of the Demon Sword" its the WORST sword and sorcery flick ever made, JOE D'AMATO F@CK YOU!. If you like this one, i recommend: ,"Gunan il Gerriero"(Franco Prosperi - 1982); "Ator, the Fighting Eagle"(Joe d'Amato) and "Warrior and the Sorceress".

Just to advise people out there that there are some folks, such as myself, who relish watching the actual movies used on MST3K. At present, my collection of such films is in the dozens, including such hallmarks as Cave Dwellers, Pod People, Manos: The Hands of Fate, Hobgoblins, Final Sacrifice, The Screaming Skull, Boggy Creek II, The Beast of Yucca Flatts, and many, many more. Frankly, I find it enjoyable to provide my own commentary, not just suffer through what isn't always particularly funny from Mike/Joel and the bots. Granted, I have suffered some degrees of pain while watching these films, but you should give it a try. Some elements of the films, like the "Hear the Engines Roar Now!" song in Pod People are completely obscured by the overdubbed commentary. If you want a truly unique experience, watch the episodes, and then rent the films themselves.

While Manos is the Worst movie ever, sorry for those of who you vote for Monster a go go, it is. But clearly number four has to be Ator2 Cave Dwellers. This movie is beyond boring and border lines on the retarded. It is not even funny in a campy way, just flat out dull. its great for a cure for insomnia but, not much else. This movie also can't figure out what age it is suppose to take place, ice age? age mogols? Also the wise man in the movie rambles on for ever about nothing only to add to the dullness of this example of how not to make a movie. He also looks depressed in his role in the movie. This movie deserves a higher rating than 20 vote how about # four? Also, for dull movie lovers check out Water World.