Life Blood (2009)

Why so much hype?

Save your money for something good and enjoyable

In other words,this film is a surreal ride.

Strong acting helps the film overcome an uncertain premise and create characters that hold our attention absolutely.

After watching this awe inspiringly wretched thing, I am convinced that if I asked filmmaker Ron Carlson to write "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog", what he'd produce would be "The quick brown fox, the quick brown fox, the quick brown fox, apple 37 Zanzibar". That's how poorly written Life Blood is, it makes me suspect Carlson either has some sort of learning disability or suffered a kind of brain damage, either through an industrial accident or spending a little too much time in auto-erotic asphyxiation. From concept to plot to dialog, your average six year old could come up with a more logical and entertaining story that this. It's so bad that it's one of those films where you literally don't understand how anyone read the script and then agreed to be in it. I mean, how to you get past the part about lesbian vampires gestating for 40 years under the desert, only to emerge in their underwear and start walking down the highway without going "Wait…what?"Brooke and Rhea (Sophie Monk and Anya Lahiri) are two lovers fleeing a party where Brooke killed a guy, only for God (Angela Lindvall) to strike down Brooke and offer to turn Rhea into a vampire. Brooke agrees, but only if God also turns Brooke into a bloodsucker. 4 decades later, they emerge from their cocoons and while Rhea thinks of themselves as avenging angels who are only supposed to go after evil people, Brooke just wants to take a bite out of anyone who gets in her way. After Brooke chomps a good samaritan and a hitchhiker, the pair flee the rising sun and take refuge in a roadside convenience store. Brooke hassles the hapless clerk until she and Rhea get into a fight and Brooke kills her. Brooke then goes on a killing spree that involves a vacationing family and the local sheriff's office before God in a see-thru top returns and brings Rhea back to life for a final showdown.Let me get the one good thing about Life Blood out of the way. Patrick Renna as the hapless convenience store clerk is friggin' amazing. His character is smarter and more believable, his dialog is genuinely funny and everything about his performance is 100 times better than anything else in the film. Renna has got to be ad libbing at least 98% of his role and doing a great job of it. Compared to the rest of the cast, it's like Renna's doing Hamlet to put Laurence Olivier to shame. If the other actors were given the same freedom as Renna, their work here means they should never, ever be allowed to ad lib again. There's no other explanation for how this one actor and one supporting character could be light years beyond everything else in the production.This is a very low budget flick, the kind when there's a scene on a supposedly deserted stretch of highway, you can clearly see traffic moving through the background of the shot. For cheap cinema, however, this looks perfectly fine. The problem here isn't a lack of money. It's a total lack of intelligence and aptitude.I could criticize practically every single second of Life Blood that doesn't involve Patrick Renna, but I'll limit myself to two examples in the interest of brevity. After Sophie's first two kills, the girls drive off in the pickup truck of one of her victims. The truck is hauling one of those rounded silver campers, the kind that used to be popular before RVs became more common. When dawn comes, the vampires fear the sun and stop at the convenience store, run in and try and block out the light. Why didn't they just go in the camper? It has smaller, easier to cover windows. It's right there behind the truck. If the camper is not there for them to hide in…what is it there for?!?! It doesn't serve any other purpose and isn't even mentioned by any of the characters. It may seem like a niggling little detail, but any viewer with an IQ above 50 is going to get to this section of the film and ask "Why aren't they going in the camper?"The other example is that a sheriff's deputy is played by Danny Woodburn. You may not recognize the name, but he's the little person who played Mickey on Seinfeld. Now, even though we live in a politically correct world, little people do not get to be sheriff's deputies just like 7 foot tall guys do no get to serve on submarines. There are physical limitations that prevent it. If you're going to cast a little person as a member of law enforcement, there needs to be a reason for it, even if it's just as a joke, and there is no joke or any other reason for it here. Woodburn could have switched roles with any other member of the cast, male or female, and it would have made more sense.Life Blood is horrendous storytelling. The fact that neither Sophie Monk nor Anya Lahiri get naked, even though they're playing lesbian vampires in an R rated horror movie, defies rationalization. Anyone who watches this and claims to enjoy it should be held 24 hours for psychiatric evaluation.

This review contains spoilers.I saw ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for the first time late at night near Halloween time and it seemed impossible that it could ever be topped. After seeing LIFE BLOOD under the mid day sun it became obvious that I was wrong.LIFE BLOOD introduces to the universe the "Chicks Chasing Chickens" TV show. Speaking of poultry, what other horror movie would ever be so confident to play the "Turkey in the Straw" song? More eatin' bird? OK, add the MIGHTY DUCKS kid and have him act fairly straight, and mix in an on-duty midget cop who waddles like a penguin. What a movie!A mixed up (India) Indian family almost buys curry powder. Super sexy lead actresses kiss each other o'plenty. And last, there is a visit by the almighty creator who happens to be a lesbian.LIFE BLOOD contains a sensuality that ZOMBIE STRIPPERS never achieved.The only weakness I see here is that the almighty creator is far less hot looking than the other characters. Kim Kardasian or some other perfect .7 hip ratio female should have been cast here. Other than that, this movie is completely fun.

Well, this flick was over before I knew it so that means I really enjoyed it. I would like to refer Bitchslap which is a bit in the same line. But here we have real scene's and not all green keys. The movie worked for me, you don't have to take it that seriously, as I watched the DVD cover you already knew they wanted to make an exploitation movie. I must say that it worked, the storyline is of course unbelievable but don't bother that. Watch it as it goes and see how two British actresses deliver the goods. Oh yes, Scout Taylor-Compton is in it but not that she has a main lead. She's maybe for 10 minutes into the movie. But indeed, it's a man's movie, with nudity from new star Angela Lindvall and a lot of nudity at a party but the perverts out there will be disappointed that Sophie Monk doesn't show anything. She's also a coming star and appears a lot in horrors and surely she's used to go full undressed like in The Hills Run Red but here she's just a sexy chick wearing almost nothing. Anya Lahiri, the other Brit doesn't show anything at all, and that's a bit a let down for many 'cause those old 70's flicks, the main lead went naked. But hey, there is blood running and that's the important part isn't it? It never becomes gory or to messy but if you are into grindhouse go watch it.

The film follows a beautiful young woman who's been selected by the creator of the universe to lead a life of greater purpose. She is instructed to devour evil, and thereby gain eternal life. After pleading for her misguided friends life, the creator grants both the woman and her friend eternal life who awake 40 years later, in 2008 on New Years Eve as vampires.With dawn approaching the two hold up in "Murder World", a gas station off of Pearblossom Highway and leave the gas station littered with bodies.A must see if you're into gore, blood, nakedness and smoking hot lesbian vampires!