Jack and the Beanstalk (2009)

It’s an especially fun movie from a director and cast who are clearly having a good time allowing themselves to let loose.

Clever, believable, and super fun to watch. It totally has replay value.

The movie runs out of plot and jokes well before the end of a two-hour running time, long for a light comedy.

A film of deceptively outspoken contemporary relevance, this is cinema at its most alert, alarming and alive.

Once you realise that the director works there n the make-up department for most of his life (and still today) you can see why this over acted, badly written, terribly cast sh*t flick is so bad. What you can't believe or understand is how he was allowed to direct it. There must be a much more interesting story there. The writers have only written animated scrips before, so no live film experience which explains why every character in the famous tale is so 1 dimensional. Cameos don't add anything and I sWear you can see the girls eyes moving in some scenes as she reads off dummy cards. Just crap.

Pretty much low-budget, but very entertaining. smart, witty parody on famous fairy-tales, full of cultured humor, without vulgarity and all those nasty things that suppose to be funny these days. Perfect for brain relaxation.8/10

OK, so the first thing you would have noticed is that I did not give this movie a rating. This is because of the simple fact that there is not a rating that I could give low enough, that would even begin to represent how terrible this film is. It does not deserve to even be called a movie, and so for the remainder of this review, I will refer to it as an insult. Because that is what it is, I have never in my entire life, felt such an intense mixture of hatred, pity and embarrassment, like which I felt while watching this insult. Now I am not a professional movie critic, and to be honest I will probably never write another review on this site. But the fact that I actually felt compelled to go through the process of creating myself an IMDb account, just so I could write one for this, should be proof enough that I am telling the truth. This review might get negative comments or remarks, I may be called a fool, and it be said that I have no idea about what a good movie is, but at least I will have been heard. There was only one part in this insult, that gave me even the slightest amusement, though it came during a scene where I guess you were supposed to be feeling sad, when Jack found out that his father had died, and he breaks down into tears. But his acting, and I know he was a kid and it was his first production, but his face when he started crying was giving me the message that he was either constipated or was about to sneeze, and I actually laughed, in that strange feeling of anger and pity. But Colin Ford as Jack was not the only stand out role. There was the character of Grayson the goose, played by Gillbert Gottfried who's insistent and relentless reliance on lame pathetic jokes together with the most penetrating and aggravating voice create in my eyes, the most irritating and disgusting performance I have ever seen….EVER. I don't understand how people involved in productions such as this cannot see how absolutely terrible and pathetic their film is going to be before they make it. Everyone who had anything to do with this insult deserve to be captured and put down. How the director can live with himself after knowing how many lives he has ruined by creating this piece of sh** excuse for a movie, I don't know.The special effects were few and cheap, the giant and his minions were so poorly dubbed that I believe even a class of mentally disabled 2 year olds could have moved the mouths in better sync with the sound. The acting was disgusting, and the jokes……..the jokes were so incredibly, pathetically lame, that I actually felt that my intelligence was being frontally abused and insulted, whoever the writers were, whoever they were intending to entertain with their jokes, I can say only one thing……EPIC FAIL. It could be argued that its humour was aimed at young children, but i do enjoy good kids movies, and i can see how those movies would be funny to a child, but unfortunately, this is not the case. It will be a sad sad day when this is what is considered funny to children. If I had one wish in my lifetime, I would wish that this insult had never been spawned from the deepest darkest depths of hell, it is so bad, that it is in its self the cruelest act of torture. A creation of such evil, that it can bring out the worst in anyone, I believed myself a calm collected person, I used to pride myself on my tolerance and ability to not get angry. But once I copped this insult, I was filled with such an intense and unsatisfiable rage, that I felt I had to write this review and let it out. And I am hoping that by doing so, I can save you my friends from ever having to experience what I have. I have never in my entire life, felt such an unreal and pure hatred towards anything I have seen, read or heard. I would honestly prefer to sit through an entire Justin Bieber concert (that's right I said it) than see this again. I will not ever ever ever ever ever……..EVER, watch this again. Do yourself a favor my friends, heed my warning don't put yourself through it.

Jack and The Beanstalk surprises me! It's the fairytale I've been read to by my parents when I was growing up, and for the these fairytale to be brought to live is simply mesmerizing!Imagine finding out how grotesque the Giant is, how tall the beanstalk is, to see Red Riding Hood, & the other fairytale heroes, well, aren't those wonderful?Well, they didn't make the film to be the exact copy as the original fairytale, but hey, it is not a crime! And I don't think that following the original can make the the film boring & with no surprise factor. And do one put most of the fairytale characters in a film without making adjustments?What I find most interesting about this film is the dialogs. Had the viewers listen carefully, they would realize that the jokes are funny, and takes jibes to many issues.And the cast are amazing! Yeah, some might find the goose to be a tad exaggerating, but other than that, it's all cool yo!And did I mention about the pillow fight? Alright. I did some reading and found out that in order not to get an R rating, but still needing to have fighting scenes. So they decided to have a fighting scene, but not using bats and chains, but using pillows! Ingenious!Recommended, and suitable to be watched by children. 10/10 on that account.