Private School (1983)

SERIOUSLY. This is what the crap Hollywood still puts out?

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

Strong acting helps the film overcome an uncertain premise and create characters that hold our attention absolutely.

The movie really just wants to entertain people.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was no Internet. The world was a dark and dreary place. There were no cellphones, no selfies, no sexting. There were no porn sites filled with naked girls by the thousands, open to teens with just a click of the "Yes, I'm an adult" box. If you were a teen and your parents had a VCR (which cost about $1,000 back then), you still couldn't go into the XXX section of your local video rental store, if there was one. Heck, you couldn't even buy -- or browse -- a Playboy magazine, legally.So what was left? Weeellllll, you could actually do it in person, but that would require actually meeting a girl. It was all quite mysterious, back in the days before porn. So, for the sex-starved American male, there was the local movie theater, or, better yet, drive-in. Way back then, a little nudity went a long way to attracting audiences, at least males. And that's about all you get with "Private School." Originality, you do not get. We get clumsily remade scenes from the great classics of teen porn, such as Animal House - 1978, specifically, the second story peeping Toms. We get the shower scenes in homage to Porky's - 1982. And we get a sex ed class, a la The Meaning of Life - March 1983. And then there were the cross-dressing scenes, which were original in Some Like it Hot, way back in 1959. Yawwwwn. What's the difference between Private School and porn? Porn is more educational. We don't actually learn anything in the sex ed class scene, unlike The Meaning of Life and any self-respecting porno. What we do learn is that Sylvia Kristel, who is a surprisingly good actress, gives an incredibly bad performance, presumably on the demand of director Noel Black. Was this some sort of retribution for a lack of "cooperation"? (No, Kristel does not provide a "demonstration" in the movie.)We should not forget Dan Greenburg and Suzanne O'Malley, credited with "writing" this movie (I wonder if they list it on their resume?). And who came up with the imaginative title: "Private School"?Fortunately, Phoebe Cates is treated with more respect. I'm glad her career survived this flaming turkey. She was excellent in Gremlins. Where have you gone, Phoebe? You can come out of hiding now. All is forgiven!If Private School were released today in a movie theater, would anyone show up? Would anyone stay to the end? Maybe. There are some people who actually enjoy stupid, bad movies. (Which raises the question of why I watched it. Answer: I stumbled on it in Leonard Maltin's book, and found the cast (Phoebe Gates AND Sylvia Kristel!!!??? (Don't be fooled: There is NO Phoebe and Sylvia scene) ) and rating of "BOMB" intriguing.) But the sex scenes wouldn't cut it, these days. Now, sex has to be graphic and dished out in heaping helpings, like Nymphomaniac, etc. Some mainstream movies are now nothing more than porn with better production values, like Titanic -- and unlike Private School, which had neither high production values, nor graphic sex. Stay to the end? I dare you to make it past the credits! The title song is atrocious, repulsive and repeats a certain four-letter word, perhaps to help spice up the R rating. This movie is pure, shameless teensploitation. Perhaps it should be titled "Shameless." Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against nudity, porn, or sex in movies, just snickering, un-erotic, sagging nudity. But, hey, if this movie turns you on, enjoy those hyper-hormones while you can. Youth is wasted on the young. Go out and meet a real girl. If you don't know what to do with her, watch some real porn. You won't learn anything at this "Private School."

A very raunchy and crude high school romantic sex comedy starring two luscious hotties in the immensely sweet Phoebe Cates and the wickedly memorable Betsy Russell. After seeing it, how can you forget Russell's topless horse riding scene and the saucy seduction of Matthew Modine's character. Yes… tongues would be hanging! Wait on guys… also featuring is sexpot Sylvia Kristel (well known for the 'Emmanuelle' series) as, just wait… the sex education teacher. Immature minds maybe, but you should know the target audience it's aiming for.As for the cornball story, it's rather slight with characters coming and going doing their own things with running gags, cheesy set-ups, plenty of flowing nudity and episodic set-pieces. It's the same old high-jinx that remain amusing due to the cast committing themselves and Noel Black's direction being so spiritedly random. There are moments of awkwardness (with many daggy dialogues) and tackiness, but it was hard to keep a smile off my face. I really liked the classy Ray Walston (who a year earlier appeared in the classic teen comedy with Cates; 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High') short, but funny cameo. Matthew Modine was likable enough and Michael Zorek was humorous as a horn-dog. Kathleen Wilhoite (in her film debut) was a cheeky delight as Cates' room-mate/friend and Fran Ryan was terrific as the prudish headmistress. There's also fine additional support by Jonathan Prince, Julie Payne, Richard Stahl, Frank Aletter, Frances Bay and Karen Chase. Look out for a risible appearance by Martin Mull as drug store clerk.Now the soundtrack is a complete blast. Catchy, hip and upbeat bubblegum sound that's always (well nearly) playing in the background with many old tunes revamped. It's like a record, with someone taking the needle off for a short break to only rip back in to it again. You got the 'Stray Cats', 'Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs' (probably of the favourite of the lot), 'Harry Nilsson', 'Rick Springfield', 'Bow-Wow-Wow' and 'Vanity 6' to name a few.It's no classic, but a vibrantly charming 80s high school teen sex comedy outing that can't do no wrong.

I'm surprised this movie isn't in the Bottom 100 list here at IMDb. This piece of garbage showed up on television late one night, and I regretted ever watching this movie.Many of the characters were extremely clichéd and horrible at acting. Bubba is the pervert, Jim is the heartthrob, Miss Dutchbok is the typical headmistress that everyone hates, and so on and so forth. All men in this movie are portrayed as skirt-chasers, perverts, or extremely horny. The female leads are dim-witted, naive, and absolutely pretty. The script was rather unfunny, as much as it tries to be. What bothered me as well was the unrealistic events in the movie. For example, Bubba is caught as a Peeping Tom by his "girlfriend" Betsy. Several times, actually. Betsy calls him a pervert, then decides that maybe they should get back together again, after many examples of him being a complete and utter jerk. Other characters I felt were unnecessary, such as the Sex Ed. teacher. I would've given more stars if her character was used to show how naive these girls were about sex. There are several issues addressed in the movie as well, such as lesbianism, premarital sex, or father-daughter relationships. However, this movie skims all of these issues, and becomes a brainless flick. Watch it for the nude scenes, but other than that, this is one horrible movie.

Absolutely horrible teen sexploitation retread imitating the "Animal House" antics except that some of the pranks are done by the women at an all-girls school. So, I guess they get equal opportunity to make asses of themselves in route to ye-old schoolwork(which they don't seem to have time for in this movie). In between the pranks, the storyline is about a young couple played by Matthew Modine & Phoebe Cates, who are planning their big de-flowering session and their jeolous nemises played by Betsy Russell tries to stop it from happening. Russell is her usual busty, top-dropping tease(which by the way provides the only real enticing part of the movie --- which shows you how good this movie isn't). Ray Walston, Sylvia Kristel & Martin Mull(in an un-billed cameo) carry on their tradition of being part of trashy movies by having bit parts that do nothing to carry out the story. We, of course, get see other nude body parts before the final credits roll (which is what we're watching the movie for, right??). I won't let you know whether the couple succeeds in their goal(in case you want to watch the movie), but it doesn't really matter because this movie doesn't have much to say except that we like to be teased(especially teenage boys whom the movie was obviously focused to despite the 'R' rating not allowing anyone under 17 in without a parent or guardian). Enough said, this movie is a total piece of trash that I had a hard time finding any redeeming quality, thus the 1 star.