The Cottage (2008)

Lack of good storyline.

Just intense enough to provide a much-needed diversion, just lightweight enough to make you forget about it soon after it’s over. It’s not exactly “good,” per se, but it does what it sets out to do in terms of putting us on edge, which makes it … successful?

Close shines in drama with strong language, adult themes.

Blistering performances.

When I watched this upon its original release, I hated it. Literally, hated it. Though that could have been because there were better films of the same ilk out at the time. Now, however, with the influx of bad movies (and not in a good way) this looks as though it should win Oscars.What you have is a kidnapping gone wrong, this is largely due to the ineptitude of the gang. The only person who knows how to be rough and violent is David, who is nicely portrayed by Andy Serkis. Unfortunately, he cannot get like minded people to help so he wrangles his brother Peter, over-acted by Reece Sheersmith (way too much Shouty- Shouty), and Andrew (who is a pathetic sop), played well by Steven O'Donnell. They kidnap Andrew's step-sister Tracey, played woodenly by Jennifer Ellison, who likes to get violent and has a very blue vocabulary - you actually cheer when she gets taken out.Things go wrong when the ransom money turns out to be tissues and Andrew is followed to the cottage by contract killers, hired by his dad. Tracey gets free and takes Peter hostage after beating him to a pulp and stumble through the woods looking for a house with a phone. This is where they come across a farm... with a cellar... a cellar that has strange noises coming from it...The comedy comes from the script and the slapstick violence that is wrought upon Peter. And I did find myself laughing out load. There are also some nice tense moments when the people are walking through the woods. And a creepy but funny scene at the local village telephone.The story, though it differs from other psycho killer slasher movies by having a decent backstory, though overly long, is still directed in the run-of-the-mill fashion for this genre and offers nothing new, though it doesn't detract from the movie.The main drawback is the characters of Tracey, Peter, and Andrew. Which, after a short while, start to grind on every nerve I had. Like I said, you're happy when the killer ends Tracey's constant vocal spew of swear words. Peter is so high strung to be unbelievable, which is also Andrews problem, you cannot conceive of anybody being so useless. You wonder how these two actually make it through their lives.The other drawback is the gaping holes in the story, which if you stop to think about it are so obvious that they will annoy you... so leave your brain at the door and don't think - just enjoy!That said it is funny enough and has enough action and story to make it interesting and keep your attention for at least one viewing. Who knows, if I watch this again in another eight years time I may have to adjust my opinion of it once again.

Andy Serkis. If you know your films (mainly post Lord of the Rings) you'll probably know him best for being the man behind the (completely computer-generated) Gollum and then dozens other equally digital Hollywood creations. However, it's rare that the man behind the effects gets to shine. Granted (and no offense Mr Serkis if by some fluke you ever read this!) he's not exactly picture perfect leading man material, but he sure is fun to watch in the right setting.Here, in this low budget British horror 'The Cottage,' he plays one half of a pair of inept brothers who are trying to get rich quick by kidnapping the (borderline indestructible Jennifer Ellison) teenage daughter of local kingpin 'Arnie' and holding up in the titular cottage.' Now, bearing in mind that the brothers are hardly the Kray twins, this would be dangerous enough. However, their plight isn't exactly aided by Jennifer Ellison being possibly the most difficult victim ever tied to a bed and gagged. Oh, and did I mention the locals aren't too friendly either? What you're left with is a pretty low budget, but very gruesome ninety minutes of fun. Yes, it's not Oscar worthy and the special effects aren't that special in places (I'm talking about possibly one of the most blatant 'full face masks' ever committed to the silver screen. But that doesn't matter. Serkis carries the film alone, but that's not to say that his (henpecked) brother, played by Reece Shearsmith doesn't deserve a mention (especially due to his inexplainable fear of moths) and then you have Jennifer Ellison who is just wonderfully obtuse (and foul-mouthed) at every turn.Don't expect Shakespeare, just expect deliciously over-the-top fun (with severed body parts aplenty).

This little gem is definitely not something you see all that often. I honestly have no idea what made me watch it years back, but I'm glad I did because it is a very good horror movie. It starts off slow and the horror portion of it does not begin until literally halfway through. However, it is not boring at all because they give you time to develop the characters and let you know who they are. There are also plenty of hilarious moments that will have you laughing out loud. One particularly hilarious scene is when a woman beats a man up while her hands are tied behind her back. She later goes on to call him obscenities which makes the moment all the more hilarious. I would consider this a dark comedy/horror slasher. You have some great-funny dialogue mixed in with some messed up death scenes and a few moments that might make you jump. There is also a cameo by none other than Pinhead himself. Okay, it's just the actor (Doug Bradley) who played him in all of the official Hellraiser movies, but it's still a memorable cameo.Two men hide out in a country-side cottage after a botched kidnapping while their hostage makes the situation more chaotic. To make things worse, they have a neighbor who is not someone you would want to run into… ever. Liked stated above, the horror does not really come into play until halfway through the movie. The first half is dark comedy with character introductions and plot building. The second half is a gory slasher with some humor mixed in. While many do not seem to care for the way the movie slowly turns into horror, I appreciate it for taking a different approach. I like to think of it as a story of people who are having a bad day and it gradually gets worse. What could possibly top their bad day? Stumbling onto a farm where a deranged being lives. It is definitely more about the main character introduced at the start than getting into any of the back-story introduced on the farm, so just remember that. The score is also surprisingly good, something not often seen in the lower budget horror films. It sort of sounds a bit like Danny Elfman's score from Beetlejuice along with a few others mixed in, but it's very enjoyable and adds to the movie.I really enjoyed this movie and if you are looking for a hilarious, well-made horror film then watch The Cottage.

The Cottage had a couple good things going for it. The acting is pretty solid overall and the soundtrack is excellent. The background music is classic 80's slasher horror orchestra, a real treat for horror fanatics. I wanted to love this movie, I wanted to like it, but it falls apart in so many aspects.One major problem is that the crazed farmer's face looks like a cheap plastic mask. He was supposed to have been disfigured in a farming accident, but the makeup is just horrible on him. Some cover-boy...The biggest downfall of this film is the lack of logic. I'll describe 2 of the many examples: A man has been stabbed through the leg with a pick ax. He pulls it out and tosses it aside, knowing full well he's in the middle of nowhere with a homicidal maniac chasing after him. Why wouldn't he keep the pick ax for a weapon?! He can't run away with that hole in his leg, and eventually the maniac comes chasing after him with that very same pick ax. How incredibly stupid is that?! Another laughable example of sloppiness: the Asian goon squad. Their actions are inexplicable and their motives are never explained. They appear to have been hired for a hostage negotiation and a possible hit, but they never attempt to make contact with the rest of the characters. All they do is creep around the cottage, even when there's ample opportunity to make a move. And they're armed with only hunting knives. What kind of assassins don't carry guns?! The top Netflix review says The Cottage is brilliant. I say, as the British might put it, its rubbish.