Piranha 3DD (2012)

Why so much hype?

Good start, but then it gets ruined

I didn’t really have many expectations going into the movie (good or bad), but I actually really enjoyed it. I really liked the characters and the banter between them.

Story: It's very simple but honestly that is fine.

Worst movie i've ever seen. The only good part is Danielle Panabaker

When I saw the cool, gruesome and refreshing monster-movie "Feast" for the first time back in 2005, I immediately thought that this unknown director John Gulager could perhaps be a talented addition to my precious and favorite horror genre that so desperately needed new blood. When I then watched the two inferior sequels my enthusiasm got tempered quite a bit already, and after seeing "Piranha 3DD" I'm entirely convinced that he's just another stereotypical dumb and low-keyed director who abuses the genre in order to serve idiotic plots, horrible computerized gore effects and infantile gratuitous nudity… "Piranha 3DD" features everything that gives horror – as well as sequels in general – a bad reputation. It is clearly put together too hastily, meaning that the production got green-lighted before there even was a plot in order to cash in on the success of Alexandre Aja original/remake, and strictly aimed at audiences who presume that horror is all about big-breasted bikini girls and ridiculously oversized creatures designed with computer programs. My God, I just feel so old and whiny when I'm writing this down… Obviously I wasn't expecting this movie to become the next "Psycho" or "Rosemary's Baby", but I guess I really was hoping for a tad bit more creativity, charm and respect for the source material. The creature-features from the 1970's were also far from perfect (like "Grizzly, "Squirm" or even Joe Dante's original "Piranha") but at least they were filmed with a lot of dedication and inventiveness. Yep, here I am sounding old and whiny again… What keeps surprising me about these nowadays horror flicks is how the director manages to convince terrific actors to lose their dignity! Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames stepped out of Aja's original with a relatively unharmed reputation, but here they simply ridicule themselves. And Gary Busey apparently needed some extra money as well. The same can't be said for David Hasselhoff, as he somehow succeeds in fitting this dud of a film right into his already downwards spiral career. He actually spoofs himself successfully by appearing as washed up TV hero typecast as the Baywatch lifeguard and mumbling things that are so true; like "Welcome to rock-bottom". Anyways, in case you give a damn: one year after the bloodbath in Lake Victoria, the sleazy businessman Chet counts down the days to open his luxurious and flamboyant water theme park with a very peculiar (and not at all sexist…) gimmick, namely double-d swims for free! He has even foreseen topless adult pools and installed underwater cameras, much to the frustration of his righteous stepdaughter Maddy (who only has a B- cup). But naturally Chet is a corrupt scumbag and his illegal installations pump up the water from underground Arizonan lakes. Those lakes are infested with prehistoric piranhas, a little detail that Chet and his corrupt buddies actually should know considering the Lake Victoria incident, and a couple of mere hours after the grand opening the hideous razor-teethed fish are munching themselves a way through silicone breasts. The highlights of "Piranha 3DD" include a fairly atmospheric opening with images of the forsaken Lake Victoria and an awkwardly uncomfortable moment involving a fish preventing a young couple from losing their virginity in a romantic way. The gore is stupidly over-the-top and the piranhas don't come across as menacing whatsoever. If you ask me this is pathetic nonsense, but hey, I'm old and whiny

Every once in a while big Hollywood studios try to pretend they like to make cheap B-movies, which usually leads to projects that can't really decide what they want to be. With that in mind the original "Piranha 3D" was surprisingly good, but this one bails on entertainment value and just goes for really obvious, easy jokes. David Hasselhoff as a lifeguard? I'm sure that got a chuckle at the board meeting, but dear Lord don't actually film it. Everything about this script is just lazy. Ever since "Jaws" creature features are obliged to have that one character that ignores the threat for his own financial gain, but here it makes even less sense than usual. The waterpark owner KNOWS there are piranhas in the nearby lake he's getting his water from, going as far as to bribe cops on a regular basis to keep it secret. The chances of a piranha-related bloodbath are roughly 99.9%, but hey he made investments or something so let's move on. What kind of a setting is a waterpark anyway, how long does it take to get out of a pool? Not very long apparently, so the last 10 minutes consists of a fake-looking blooper reel that's clearly just there to pad out the running time (and it's still only 83 minutes, not that I'm complaining). I've said it before but I just want to emphasise it: this thing is bafflingly lazy. If even the combined talents of Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames AND Gary Busey can't give your movie one entertaining scene, you're doing fundamental things wrong. Nearly unwatchable.

Here's one sequel that's shockingly bad, and got more preposterous as it went along. Like last time, we have more hot babes donning bikini's, and exaggerated gore, some scenes that will have you in unbelief. Yes our little knawing fish with their killer teeth and angry eyes, are causing mayhem once again. A few actors from the first, stay back, which has you pondering why? May'be like Piranha, their need to eat. This time, they crash a new water park opening up, not your usual theme park, with some adult accessories, courtesy of Panielbaker's sleazy uncle, who dresses and sounds like some rockin' guy out of the fifties, bringing tones of Wayne Newton's voice with it. Some bits of this crappy sequel are truly funny as they are pathetic. One really pathetic moment, making you realize just how pathetic this movie really is, has Rhame's return as a cop (he played a lot of cops, in this type of horror fare) where his legs are now steel springs from the heavy blow he took in the first, that has him walking like Robocop. His replaced legs, also have an added accessory, which will have some of you saying, "This is the final straw". Seriously this sequel takes the cake, to all the other sequels of remakes, where this movie really reaches pathetic depths, barely running over an hour, and does have some particularly nasty characters. Oh yes, and how can I not mention the Hoff, taking the p..s out of himself, again, and Baywatch too, which includes the show's theme. Just let's these killer fish stay dead this time.