Ninja vs. Ninja (1987)

What a freaking movie. So many twists and turns. Absolutely intense from start to finish.

The film may be flawed, but its message is not.

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

Close shines in drama with strong language, adult themes.

NINJA VS. NINJA is another Godfrey Ho-style cut and paste ninja movie of the 1980s which seems to have been put together from two or three different films. You get a handful of scenes with a black kid training in the woods to be a ninja and some brief ninja action but the bulk of the production is a Hong Kong crime film which has been dubbed and re-edited until it becomes nonsensical. Shaw Brothers star Norman Chu appears in these scenes and it's a pity to see him utilised in his way. NINJA VS. NINJA is a far cry too from the cheesy delights of Ho giddiness such as SCORPION THUNDERBOLT and NINJA TERMINATOR.

I can't believe that I managed to watch the majority of this "movie". As soon as it starts, all the warning bells go off. It begins with a demonstration of uh... ninja fighting prowess by a bare-chested man of African descent who strikes a pose, causing a column of smoke to blast up and he's suddenly dressed as a white ninja. The picture is clearly caught on cheap video and the music sounds like it belongs on an infomercial or industrial video. This ninja meets some other black-garbed ninjas and they fight and suddenly they are friends. At this point the entire thing is pointless.Then suddenly we're in a completely different movie, which appears to be some Hong Kong crime thriller, which appears to be better than the initial ninja movie, but it's hard to tell because everything appears to be cut out of order for the first half of the running time so that the ninjas can find their "tape". The Honk Kong crime thriller appears to be about a crime investigator and his police detective brother who encounter a serial bomber with criminal connections, but it's hard to tell because of how badly the movie was cut together with the ninja footage and then everything was very poorly re-dubbed on top of that.It's entirely clear that this film was originally the Hong Kong crime thriller and was recut to add the Caucasian and African ninjas (who are also dubbed over) for some people for the white import/export audience to relate to, since Asian cops with their guns and investigating crimes, wives and children, french toast and eggs and driving of cars are so incredibly hard to relate to. So exotic! That cop has black hair and speaks in Cantonese! Anyway, the plot of the film when recut revolves around ninjas having to acquire some tape. They fight in a way that's completely ridiculous, even considering the silly ninja stereotypes that exist. Their scenes are so poorly cut into the film that whenever they pop up, you can't help but laugh, but they take up so much screen time doing nothing that it's absolutely painful to keep watching. The original crime thriller is clearly nothing worthy of an award, but the film manages to be at its best when it's staying as far away from the added ninja nonsense as possible.This is an absolutely painful 81 minutes and it could've been somewhat bearable if it weren't for the fact that the film was recut to be generally incomprehensible. The dubbing is awful. Any scene where the ninjas appear is very awful. The sound quality is terrible and because of the way it was mish-mashed together, it's near impossible to get a solid read on the acting/direction of the central film, but from what can be seen it's mediocre at best. I can't think of a good reason to watch this because it's so bad that it just stays really really bad. And then it gets worse. There are many poor quality films out there, but this one actually made me think of many of those films with a measure of respect. At least they're moderately coherent.I guess that's the only reason to watch it: to learn to appreciate the drivel that sometimes counts of film-making. I'd rather watch all of the Friday the 13th films consecutively than watch this film in entirety again. I'd rather watch Ultraviolet, Aeon Flux and both Underworld movies followed by a Ernest Goes To... marathon than watch this "film" again. You have better things to do with your time. Like staring at the wall. Or trying to conceive of the number of toes that exist in the universe. Avoid at all cost. I watched it so that you don't have to. 1/10.

Sometimes rarely, a film is released unto the public that so shines in quality as to dazzle its audience and silence even the most ardent of critics. In short, these films are almost universally adored and as a result such films (and they are indeed a rare phenomena) win themselves the much coveted title of a 'classic'. In such instances a perfect equilibrium exists between such factors as production values, acting performances, photography, direction etc which all combine to create a cinematic and artistic masterpiece. Conversely, the status of all 'non classic' films therefore could be attributed to those movies in which the various aforementioned cinematic factors are at in imbalance to varying degrees – a factor which serves to destabilise the films overall integrity. Obviously although tastes vary widely, it would be equitable to say that the vast majority of films belong in the latter category.There is however a third category of film, a category equally as rare as the first in fact and this may be defined as those rather unfortunate films that actually have no cinematic merits whatsoever! These unfortunate entities fail utterly miserably in virtually every single department. Indeed the acting, production, directing etc in these films are so completely and entirely inept as to render them virtually unwatchable to the vast majority of the (sane) movie watching public.However and as illogical as it may sound, sometimes the very fact that a movie can be SO bad and SO inept actually, bizarrely serves to its advantage…..it is then that the curious phenomena of the 'so bad its good' movie is born!Ninja vs Ninja undoubtedly falls into this category!Here my friends we have a film that is so god awful in every single way that you can't but help to admire it!From the very opening with our ninja hero (who only appears in about three scenes in the entire movie!) who is shown training (and running in an extremely sissy manner!) to some super cool and groovy (and entirely inappropriate!) seventies music, to the completely non related and frankly baffling crime film plot (in reality a completely different film into which the ninja segments are edited) – this film really is an hilarious (unintentional) laugh fest!To be quite honest, even though I've only just finished watching it, I still have no idea what the hell was going on in this for the most part! The plot really meanders all over the place and makes virtually no sense whatsoever! (a factor which only adds to the charm!)From what I could gather, some evil ninja want a tape from a man charmingly referred to as Fatso. The CIA are also after this tape. And why are they all after the tape? Just what intrinsic information does it store? Well to be quite honest – I haven't got a bloody clue! Nor did I understand who the hero ninja was and what his interest in the tapes recovery was (if he indeed was interested in it at all!) In fact virtually nothing is explained in the film but frankly who cares…. if you're at all into Z-grade movies, then this really is essential viewing! A true demented classic!

Some movies need to be made. Some movies are so awful, they serve as shining beacons to the rest of us, guiding us through the sea of bad movie-making and letting us know exactly what NOT to do. This is not one of those movies. This movie can serve no purpose other than (possibly) a fire starter. This movies existence is so pointless, if I were this movie I would throw myself in front of a municipal bus. Everyone involved in this movie should be arrested (with the exception of the black ninja, who was bad-ass). In summary: This movie Sucked. It made no sense, it was shot on film which looked like it had been put through a meat grinder, and the plot seemed to be hiding somewhere behind a dead girlfriend, videotape, and heroine addiction. Sweet Jesus... terrible film... my god...