CrossBones (2005)

Wow! Such a good movie.

Horrible, fascist and poorly acted

It really made me laugh, but for some moments I was tearing up because I could relate so much.

Blistering performances.

They need a zero vote for this one! What a joke, do your self a favor and just throw the movie in the waste bucket, it is by far the biggest pile of crap I have ever seen created. Extremely poor acting, poor sets, poor wardrobes, poor filming...Don't waste your time, I can't believe Lions Gate would have anything to do with something of this laughable caliber. The cover art misleads you to think there might possibly be a story worth watching, boy what a joke. I can say I actually only made it into the first 5 minutes the first attempt to view it. Had to show my wife just for a laugh and to convince her it was worth throwing out. I would not wish this on anyone else, life is to precious to waste on this crap. Throw it out, don't pass it on.

Holy Macaronial Crap!!!"BONES OF CRAP"!"CROSSCRAP"!"ARR, ARR, CRAP IN ME PIRATE PANTS"!These all would have been more appropriate titles for the abominable 'movie' that is called CROSSBONES!When looking for 'first time viewings' for the annual Octobre Horror Movie Challenge here on the IMDb horror-board, I had the misfortune of stumbling upon this extremely lame and idiotic crap-fest. And I now officially have my number 1 Worst Horror movie of the New Millennium! And mind you, I never, ever have used the term 'worst horror movie...'. I always carefully used the phrase "One of the worst...".Anyway, after having seen this pirate/horror/reality-TV crap-fest, I immediately added one extra point to the first movie I saw during that month for the Challenge, namely BLOODY PIT OF HORROR (aka IL BOIA SCARLATTO). I don't care if that one's made in the 60's or that it's not comparable in any way with CrapBones. At least I had a lot of fun with BLOODY PIT OF HORROR. Hell, it's even a better movie...In fact, after having seen CrapBones I might as well go back to my reviews and add one extra point to ALL bad & crappy movies I've seen so far. Because none of them was as bad as this one... Well, maybe some... For the ones who know their more recent bad-movie-stuff: SKELETON MAN (that Casper Van Dien crap-fest) is almost Oscar material compared to CRAPBONES. Almost, I said...I will not even dedicate more time to going into full details of this movie (because really, it's not worth it), but here's another 'aka' title:CARIBBEAN CRAP!Hmmm... I wonder if I might have over-used the word "crap" just a little bit in this comment...?**UPDATE** Please forget that "worst horror movie"-statement I made about CROSSBONES. I recently saw DEMON SUMMER and DA HIP HOP WITCH. And, yes, they're even worse. That just shows you can't be sure of anything anymore these days...

What a piece of crap movie. No wait, I take that back, to call this movie a piece of crap is an insult to all previous movies that qualified for this crap distinction. Even as the opening credits rolled, I knew I was in a special event. The pirate ship does not look remotely like a ship from 1841. Scratch that. It does not look like a ship at all. It's a sailboat. I and another weird thing that struck me in the fourth minute was that the voice over narrates the action passages in the movie. Whose ever heard of skipping the action via narrative? So I paused this sucker and went online to find out what IMDb has to say. Sure enough, some kind soul gave this movie two whole stars!!!! But he crapped on it for 8 stars worth. He also sat through more than I'm gonna sit through. The most interesting thing I learned about this dumb movie is that the director died in a plane crash during the making. Well, even the god of movies wanted to do him in!!! I think I forgot to mention that Crossbones reached new highs in bad acting, which is consistent with the rest of it.

Comparing this movie to anything else made ever is an insult to whatever you are comparing it to. If you have ever wondered what reality show people searching for fame do once their 15 minutes are over, this is it. It stars a few reality show rejects (Hardy from Big Brother, some Temptation Island girl, and some Survivor girl).One of the sub plots of this "movie" was a girl sleeping with a reality show producer to win a show. Is it possible this hits a little close to home? The only way I can figure it, is someone sucked her way up Lion Gates Films to get this distributed through them. I can not stress how bad this movie was.The film looks like it was shot with VHS camcorders from the 70s. Make up consists of clown make up and a pirate costume. Special effects (if you can call them that) consist of stabbing three feet to the right of the target and then thrashing in the water with Kool Aid.The "actors" took themselves so seriously, that you can't help but laugh. All of the camera angles focus on T&A and every scene you expect them to end in an orgy. This should have been a STV soft porn, but in the end it ended up being a big tease.The budget for this movie must have been in the 10s of dollars. Avoid at all costs.