Kill Cruise (1992)

Very Cool!!!

A very feeble attempt at affirmatie action

It really made me laugh, but for some moments I was tearing up because I could relate so much.

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

The film had quite bad reviews at the time so when I got it on DVD the plan was to fast forward to the naughty bits. But I found the film so fascinating that I watched it from beginning to end. Being on a yacht with Paty Kensit and Liz Hurley sounds like your idea of paradise? Well, the washed out skipper of a yacht is duped into a four week trip to Barbaidos with two young women who make a living stripping and turning tricks in a decidedly seedy Gibraltar. Everything seems fine at first but then the sexual tension rises, the skipper seems to have a dark secret and paradise turns into hell. The film has an overtone of aggressive sexuality from the very beginning that tries to assert itself against the burned out skipper and does so in the end but with disastrous consequences. I liked both the feel of the run down part of Gibraltar and the clautstrophobic atmosphere on the yacht. Kensit is great as the slut from hell who becomes more and more unstable throughout the journey. Hurley seems to be the sensible one who turn into a complete psychopath. While the acting is very good my only misgiving about the film is that this change comes too suddenly and does not really seem plausible. I'm not sure if secnes were cut from the film but I certainly do not believe the rumour of a full frontal nudity lesbian love scene (which wouldn't really make sense). The film is also a showcase for Prochnow's acting talents which he unfortunately squandered with later roles as stoch villain. Well worth watching!

This has got to be the out there 'Most Awful' film of 1990. Someone suggested the 'Skipper' was asked to leave a 'West Indies' port, hence the cruise. This is wrong on 2 counts. The skipper is suspected of committing 'foul play' on a rival and sinks to the bottom of a bottle and the port he meets and is tricked into a cruise by the women in is obviously Gibraltar (old Morris 1300 driven by port officials, scene showing the Rock). They then set sail on what is a most turgid voyage. At one point Su (Patsy Kensit) steals the Skippers' (Jurgen Prochnow) insulin whilst her friend Lou (Elizabeth Hurley) protects her friend from his rage. I think after that I'd be looking for the nearest ship, island anything to get rid of them both! The finale comes completely out of character for Lou, a crime without motive that is frankly unbelievable and the final written statement makes it clear that whoever wrote this tripe had one too many misogynist nightmares. If you want to watch something good in the 'sea-story thriller' genre try 'Deep Calm'. I guess if you've got a Patsy or Liz 'thing' you might put up with this, indeed there is an occasional Hurley boob flash. But really only of interest to C movie lovers Willie the dog gets my vote for best actor here.

I bought this DVD because I mistakenly thought that the premise had some interesting mystery/suspense possibilities, that the attractive, well-recognized cast would deliver entertaining performances, and that, even if the plot and acting failed, there still might be enough to make the film one of those movies that is fun to watch because of how bad it is. To my immediate and mounting disappointment as the film droned on, none of this was true. Save yourself from this fate. The one-star rating was invented for a film like this.The plot is undeveloped, incoherent nonsense. The film opens with a loud, dark, confusing sequence at sea where the sailor is caught in a storm and someone dies. There is never any serious attempt to explain or develop this story. Later, the now down-and-out sailor suddenly agrees to ferry two loudmouth, fringe bar singers and their bothersome dog on a 4-week trip to Barbados. During the trip, one of the singers takes an unreasoning dislike to the sailor, picks one childish fight after another with him, rummages through his possessions, and comes up with a theory that he killed the person on the earlier voyage because of a love triangle of some sort. The sailor later explains away the theory to the other singer, who seems friendlier to him, and then the whole murder theory is just dropped as if it were a mistake. After many tedious, labored, pointless scenes of the three on board quarreling, facing several trumped-up, ultimately boring seafaring adversities, and doing various routine chores like hosing dog poop off the deck, there is a last-minute, psycho-type killing on board that comes out of nowhere and explains nothing. The film ends with a cryptic message on screen about the fate of the survivors that, again, gives no meaning to anything that has come before.The film is a complete failure not only as serious drama but as light entertainment. By no stretch of the imagination is it sexy, funny, or fun to watch. The superficial, loser characters could not be less interesting or attractive. The sailor is so grouchy, withdrawn, and broken-down, the hostile singer so exaggerated in her disagreeableness, the other singer so vapid and vacuous, the petty quarreling among the characters so constant and annoying, and the tone of the film so dark that there is not an ounce of chemistry or lasting good cheer among the characters. Not only is the characters' behavior a total drag, there is nothing erotic about the situations, scenery, or wardrobe. This includes an early, short, embarrassing scene in a bar in which one singer supposedly strips but clearly does no such thing and a split-second glimpse of a perfunctory, sleepy "love scene" that packs no punch whatsoever (I do not know what DVD version others saw, but if the one I saw contained any nudity, I must have missed it by blinking, leaving me only the actual pathetic substance of the film to judge).Sadly, some movies have absolutely nothing redeeming about them. This is one of them. The only thing to do when this happens is to come right out and say so. There is nothing inappropriate about this. It is just the way it is. Reciting all the movie's flaws but then giving them a pass for no reason at all, straining to conjure and contrive tidbits that are supposedly worth watching, or engaging in speculative, wishful thinking that edited scenes or "possible explanations" exist that, like magic, would somehow make sense of this mess, only compounds the waste of time and money from a film like this and, even worse, contributes to the impression that moviegoers are suckers.Yet, this is all that the would-be positive reviews of this film have been able to do. Someone who looks to a movie like this for a supposedly serious "portrayal" of "personalities" is the one who is "living a very sheltered life," not someone who takes this useless piece of fiction to task for it glaring flaws. The simplistic observation that spending a long time in close quarters on a boat can lead to cabin fever (and that it can be even worse if the people are psychos) is hardly the stuff of true meaning or entertainment value, with or without claimed "realistic sailing scenes." The suggestion that including a psycho in the cast means that anything goes and that all standards of quality, coherence, or enjoyability go out the window has no place in any credible effort at movie reviewing. When the best a review can say is that a film is "not totally worthless" and that it manages to leave the audience with nothing more than a "feeling of emptiness" (and no, that's not all movies "are about"), why bother to pretend it has any real value? Of course there can be "fluff" entertainment that is enjoyable. But that does not mean that anything on a screen qualifies. And it makes a mockery of any serious use of the terms to say that this film is a "personal drama," "character study," or "psychological study" of lesbian jealousy or anything else. What is on the screen here makes perfectly clear beyond any doubt that the movie does not deserve any of these obvious and unsuccessful efforts to make excuses for it.

WEll this was a true tale of the seas, that would have been better left bobbing around like the corker it is. The crew were good looking enough but they were so slovenly that they deserved to be keel hauled before breakfast, (for the sharks that is). The only reason to keep watching beyond the first few minutes is the vain hope that the two crew might get it on, so let me save you the trouble and let you know that they don't. I have to say that Hurley was virtually unrecognizable, whether it was pre-surgery or that simply thinning her eye brows really dose the trick, I am not sure. To sum it up I think it would have best served each of their careers, including the director, if this film had simply sunk without trace or even a ripple. Aye aye cap'n, loose the ma'n sail, hard to port if you get my drift.