B. Monkey (1999)

One of my all time favorites.

n my opinion it was a great movie with some interesting elements, even though having some plot holes and the ending probably was just too messy and crammed together, but still fun to watch and not your casual movie that is similar to all other ones.

Close shines in drama with strong language, adult themes.

One of the best movies of the year! Incredible from the beginning to the end.

"Nineteen Eighty Four" director Michael Radford's minor romantic crime thriller "B. Monkey" chronicles the stormy relationship between an impulsive female cat burglar and a conventional male school teacher. Dario Argento's super sexy daughter Asia plays the eponymous character with relish in this beautifully photographed, well-acted, but ultimately forgettable epic. Indeed, you'll have trouble keeping your eyes off the lovely Asia who shows no qualms about showing off her delectable body in tastefully lensed full frontal nudity. An assortment of criminals floats into and out of her life as she struggles like an old western gunfighter to cease her life of crime. Beatrice explains in voice over narration how she came to acquire her name: "I can get into anything." One day in a pub, a lonely English teacher at a primary school, Alan (Jared Harris) approaches Beatrice. Initially, she rebuffs him because she neither knows nor trusts him. Finally, Alan convinces Beatrice that he poses no threat to her so she agrees to a date the following evening at eight and stands him up. Beatrice's low-life friends—they might be more accurately described as accomplices--include homosexual Paul (Rupert Everett of "Cemetery Man") cut from the same cloth as Noel Coward and a lunatic young hoodlum boyfriend, Bruno (Jonathan Rhys Meyers of "Ride With The Devil"), who is prepared to die for her. Meanwhile, ordinary Alan teaches by day and serves as a disc jockey by night at a local London hospital.Eventually, Beatrice and Alan get together, but Beatrice discovers that the young school teacher cannot get it up. Whether Alan cannot gain an erection in the warm company of the comely Asia--who resembles a brunette Venus on a half-shell—or because he is too overwhelmed by her abrupt behavior is never established. Eventually, Asia gets him back into shape and the two fall in love. Anyway, Beatrice refuses to work for a local mobster, Frank (Tim Woodward), but complications arise that force her back into crime. Alan has trouble with a student who accuses him of slamming him against a wall after the student stabbed another student in the face with a pencil. The boy's surly mother prefers charges against Alan, but Beatrice and Bruno pay her a visit and change her mind. Naturally, Alan is outraged and manages to get another teaching job far out in the country. Beatrice leaves London and her friends, but she cannot truly leave them and the consequences of her criminal activities come back to haunt her in the wilderness.The performances are tops and director Michael Radford keeps things moving along so the action never stalls out. The chief problem is that none of the characters are interesting. They are either goody-two shoes like Alan or obnoxious criminal types like Bruno. Radford stages a couple of credible jewelry heists, largely smash and grab affairs, and gives his average, unexceptional film more polish than it deserves. Those who must have happy endings will love "B. Monkey." This movie breaks the cliché about the ready-to-have sex mentality of men. When Beatrice knows that she is about to have sex with a guy, she jumps in bed and peels her clothes off quicker than the man can get his pants down. Typically, the man is the ready-to-have sex partner with the woman showing some reluctance. Again, aside from Asia's gorgeous body and some good acting, "B. Monkey" is like a banana peel. You watch this movie and you will feel like you've make a slip-up.

I am not a lover of gangster movies , am very squeamish so I avoided this for a long time. I wanted to watch Rupert Everett's films after reading his extraordinary auto-bio. There are some excellent reviews here already , far better than anything I could write. I have never seen Jared Harris in anything but he is perfect in this roll. He even tries to talk down psychopaths with primary teacher talk. The pencil in cheek scene was particularly amazing for me as it happened to my daughter so she was home-educated as a result. The chaos of an inner-city school is perfectly portrayed. There probably is too much sex but I wasn't bothered it probably brought in a few viewers and frankly having breasts myself they don't bother me. Rupert Everett was excellent as the louche drug addict who seemed to be giving up on life bit by bit. Towards the end he is frightened but is too far gone to really know how to help himself. The channel had a discussion on addiction on before which made it rather more poignant. The cold killer gangsters were good , Bruno was chilling because as a Mum I wonder how easy it is to become a rent boy/gangster desperately seeking love . I am not so sure Monkey/Beatrice will stay a happy housewife but that's another story.

On paper this looks like a good movie with Michael Radford directing an adaptation of an Andrew Davies novel but before the opening titles have even finished you find out what the fault of the movie is: Supply teacher Alan works at a hospital as the inhouse DJ and before you've even had time to digest this the action jump cuts to Beatrice and co carrying out a robbery , this is so much a shock in terms of juxtaposition it's like the channel has suddenly jumped to another station and you're watching another movie . Not only that but Beatrice's expositional voice over seems stilted and faintly ridiculous not helped by the fact that Asia Argento seems to have a problem saying the " F " word convincingly . Indeed none of the actors in this production seems to be able to swear with any conviction . Considering nearly every sentence contains expletives this is a serious problem with the movie But the dialogue is not the only serious problem ,there's serious signs of under development with the script . Check the scene where Beatrice and Alan meet for the first time . I guess it might have worked okay on paper but watching the scene on celluloid makes the whole scenario unlikely . And there's other scenes like this , for example Beatrice and her colleague turn up at the house of a parent who has made a complaint about Alan . No doubt Alan knows where the parent lives but there's no hint that Alan has passed this information to Beatrice so how would she know where to find the parent ? In a film where the audience are asking themselves where this bizarre and muddled plot is heading plot holes like this jump out of the screen and strangle the critical viewer Radford directs well but he's the wrong choice since B MONKEY seems to be attempting to be a chic British thriller with some black comedy thrown in , but the actors play their roles in a loud European way which contrasts with the British locations and language . One can't help feeling this movie would have worked far better if Davies novel had been transported to Paris or Rome with Radford employing a native cast speaking their own language . As it is B MONKEY is yet another messy Brit flick with a totally ill thought out script

(minor spoilers included)What we have here is an acceptable attempt of mixing several good and widely divergent ideas into one big jar. B.Monkey rushes by at high speed and tries to combine an apparently impossible romance with gangster-movie elements and black comedy. A guy, who is quite possibly the most well-behaving citizen in all England (grade schoolteacher. serving as a volunteer in a hospital.classic radio DJ.) falls deeply in love with his female opposite (armed robber.tattooed and high-spirited.nymph) and they want to build a new life together. Unfortunately, the girl can't leave her infamous past behind her. Even when the couple flees to the middle of British nowhere, the girl's former partners and enemies follow them at all times. B. Monkey merely depends on a few powerful sequences and a couple of intriguing characters. The creativity and goodwill is there, but the whole finished product still looks like one big muddle. Also, the entire film isn't exactly plausible which makes it even harder to digest. Strictly seen as a black comedy and social satire, it does deserve a bit of praising. Multiple 'human interest'-topics are spoofed here which lifts up the film to a slightly higher dimension (to me, at least). And then there are the acting performances.Especially Rupert Everett impresses as the addicted homosexual friend. Everett is good in portraying `weirdos', like his previous `Dellamorte Dellamore' already stated. Asia Argento is just one adorable angel.Dario's daughter owes a lot to her looks but there's obviously quite some talent present as well in that ravishing body of hers. Thank goodness she's not one of those pretentious actresses who don't take risks in their careers. She's speaking with an incredibly sexy Italian accent and her nude scenes contribute in making this nice little film more memorable.All together, B.Monkey isn't top priority to check out, but it guarantees fun and action from start to finish.